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Daniel's pathology report came back just before we left New York. The tumor was determined to be a mixture of two types of tumor cells - ganglioglioma and astrocytoma. Pathology reports also categorize tumors by how quickly the cells grow and spread. Daniel's tumor type was labeled a grade two - grade one being the best and grade four being the worst. So his tumor was on the more benign end of the spectrum, but not as benign as it could have been. Daniel's doctors in New York discussed how they thought we should proceed. The "tumor board" could not come to a consesus, in terms of whether or not the surgery should be followed by chemotherapy (radiation was not recommended). We made the decision at this point not to go ahead with chemo.

After almost 3 weeks in New York City, we were given the OK to return home. We got home on July 3, 2002. Daniel's recovery was remarkable - even all his doctors said that. He still had lingering issues with his arm and had to learn to write with his left hand. But in a short time, Daniel was running, biking and playing with his friends like any normal 7 year old boy. Normalcy returned to our lives.

Right after returning from New York, we met a single mother whose son, Addam, also age 7, had just been diagnosed with medulloblastoma. Addam's tumor had been surgically removed, but as I've mentioned before, this kind of brain tumor is highly aggressive. Even after the tumor is removed, cells left behind will start growing again, unless aggressively treated with chemotherapy and high-dose radiation. We got to know Rachael through a friend of a friend. She was a Christian, like us. We became good friends with Rachael.

Rachael was very shocked upon meeting with the oncologist and discovering the extent of brain and spinal damage her son would sustain during treatment. The kind of radiation used to treat medulloblastoma (PNET) always produces mild retardation and causes the bones of the skull and spine to stop growing. Her son was given about a 60% chance of survival with treatment - a 0% chance without it. The decision to put a child through treatment with side effects like that is quite difficult for a parent to make. To add to the difficulty of her decision, 7 year old Addam was a sensitive child, much more sensitive than Daniel, and had a traumatic hospital experience. He said he didn't want to be in the hospital anymore, ever.

Rachael was very interested in alternative cancer therapies and started Addam on the artimisinin right away. She prayed with us, she prayed with her church family and with Addam, before finally making the decision to decline treatment. I remember her calling me and saying, "I just can't submit to a treatment that will kill my son's brain." Immediately after she made the decision to decline treatment, DHS stepped in and took her to court for child neglect, trying to remove Addam from her custody. Wes and I sat in on all the proceedings, which lasted about a week. The judge ruled in Rachael's favor, but by the time the court proceedings were over, Addam's cancer had already returned and had spread to his spine.

We spent a great deal of time with Rachael, Addam, and Rachael's daughter, Aleigha. Rachael had no husband. The weight of her decision was placed firmly on her shoulders. She attended a very charismatic church, and friends from church often gathered in her home to pray for Addam's healing. But Addam very quickly went downhill. Eventually, Addam stopped eating. He needed massive doses of morphine, and when the morphine wore off, he would scream out in pain. One time I stopped over at Rachael's house to visit and was incredibly shocked by Addam's appearance. He had lost so much weight - literally all I saw were skin and bones, and he was awake and conscious only for short periods of time.

Even though Rachael had many friends from church, she wanted Wes and I to be there with her - I think because we probably knew more than anyone else what she was going through. We got a call one day from one of Rachael's friends saying that Addam was near the end. I got in my car, dropped my kids off with grandma, and drove up to Rachael's house in Canby, about a 45 minute drive. By the time I got to the house, Addam had passed away. I walked into Rachael's bedroom, and Rachael was rocking Addam in her arms, and sobbing. Addam's fingers and toes were already blue. We stood by as the coroner came and put Addam's body on a gurney and took him away.

We attended Addam's memorial service, and kept in touch with Rachael closely. She was the strongest woman I've ever met. She was a daily encouragement to me, always telling me how blessed she was to be in the arms of a loving God. She dealt with her sons' passing so well. Each time I talked to her, I marveled at her faith and her strength, and I admired her deeply. She said something a few months after Addam's death, that has stayed with me ever since. "Kristen, before the this trial, I had a faith in God and I trusted Him. But now, my faith is more like a knowing. Because God's presence truly has been with me every step of the way."

The trauma of Daniel's illness, compounded with the experience of watching Addam die, took its toll on me emotionally and spiritually. It's almost impossible for a person to go through such a traumatic ordeal without any consequences or baggage. Wes and I processed through the pain much differently. I think Wes coped with his emotions by immersing himself in work, and when not at work, with recreation. I, on the other hand, felt very tired of being strong. I cried often and in my spirit, I asked the difficult questions: What had we done wrong, if anything? Why did Daniel have to be the one to suffer? Why not me? etc... I questioned God's justice. Interestingly enough, the hardest "why" question for me was this: Why did Daniel live, while so many wonderful children (not just Addam but other children we had come to know at the hospital) die? I do not have an answer for this, and never will this side of eternity. I will not attempt to elucidate my opinions on these ultimate questions - that's not my intent. I will say that I did read the book of Job many times. I found that Job also questioned God's justice and mercy. Job did not understand, because it was not revealed to him, that there was a spiritual drama being played out behind the scenes. Ultimately this was the choice Job made: "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." and "I know my Redeemer lives, and I will stand with Him on that day." and by saying this, Job had won a cosmic battle. Eventually, after many months of questioning, I came to a place where I could say these words as well, and believe them to be true.

MY greatest battle became fear - irrational fear. I started experiencing fear and doubt like never before in my life. It was mild at first - but eventually I started worrying about my other two children almost incessantly, not to mention Daniel. I remember taking Elijah to the doctor several times because he had been complaining of stomach aches, and because I thought he looked too skinny. I was afraid Elijah had cancer. It did not help that every cancer doctor we'd consulted during Daniel's illness had wanted to know how healthy our other two children were.

But just as God provided help and healing for Daniel, he provided emotional healing for me. I still needed to be carried by Him - and He wanted to carry me. I memorized Psalm 121 during this time:

I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip; He who watches over you will not slumber.
Indeed, He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your Keeper; He is the shade at your right hand.
The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The Lord watches over your life; He will keep you from all harm.
The Lord watches over your coming and going, both NOW and FOREVERMORE.