Pieces of Grace

Daniel's 2007 Tumor Surgery - Part Two

2010-10-08T13:54:00.000-07:00

In the weeks following Daniel's MRI, I carried a heavy heart everywhere I went. Dr. Selden made it clear that the surgery on Dec. 31st could result in a loss of motor function and coordination, and even temporary or permanent paralysis. I had to continually fight off the temptation to fear the worst. Nevertheless, Christmas was approaching and we wanted to give Daniel a chance to have some fun before his impending surgery and recovery. Daniel's spirits didn't seem to be affected much by the news. He continued to let mom and dad carry the heavy burdens, while he remained almost as carefree as ever.

A few days before Christmas we took a trip to one of our favorite family destinations - the Metolius River, near Bend, OR. We rented 2 cabins at the Metolius River Lodges - within sight and sound of the rushing river, and surrounded on all sides by Ponderosa pines. The cabins had no telephones, TV's, or cell service. We cheated and brought with us a TV/VCR and all the Christmas movies we owned! A cute general store located next to the cabins gave the kids continual access to a large array of treats and drinks. One day we went tubing at the Hoodoo ski area, about 20 minutes away from where we stayed. Daniel, Brooke and Elijah plunged down the hills on intertubes, over and over again, having the time of their lives.

The kids enjoyed the independence of having their own cabin, but most of our time was spent all together. One evening, we took a walk on a well-traveled path around the river, and it started to snow. Large snow flakes landed on our cheeks and noses. By the time our walk was finished, snow had coated the trees and the ground. It was a beautiful and awe-inspiring sight, and a gift from God to us. Falling snow brings such a magical peace, and that night we all felt it.

The trip to Metolius gave our minds and hearts a much-needed reprieve. On Dec. 30th, we drove to Vancouver. A party to celebrate Wes's parents' 50th wedding anniversary was held that day. We spent the night at Wes's parents' house. We woke up very early the morning of December 31st. Tired from lack of sleep and an anxious mind, I sat pensively in the car as Wes drove to the hospital. A Keith Green CD was playing, and the catchy, fun song "He'll Take Care of the Rest" came on - a song I'd heard hundreds of times before. But this time, the words took on a whole new meaning for me. The lyrics speak of being faced with impossible obstacles. It uses the examples of Moses and Noah and the situations God allowed in their lives that demanded a tremendous amount of hope and courage and trust. "You just keep doing your best, and pray that it's blessed, and Jesus takes care of the rest." So simple, and yet it was what I needed to hear right then. The circumstances surrounding Daniel's surgery were completely out of my control. I had tried to do my very best for Daniel and for his health - and I had prayed and prayed. And Jesus would take care of the rest. That was the truth - so simple! God had lovingly carried my son all the way to this point, and He wasn't going to stop now.

We arrived at the hospital, and Daniel was prepped for surgery. Then the surgeon, dressed in his surgical scrubs, came in to speak with us. And then we gave Daniel good-bye kisses and hugs, before making our way, once again, to another waiting area. This time, our friends and family were at home praying for us - and we felt them with us in spirit. One family we had met through Wes's parents came to the hospital and stayed with us the entire time. They were so sweet and kind and we enjoyed their company.

We received occasional updates throughout the surgery. The updates sounded generally positive - but we really wouldn't know anything until it was over. The surgery lasted about 5 hours, and then Dr. Selden came out to speak with us. The first thing I've always done is look at the surgeon's countenance to see if he seems happy or sad. He seemed happy. I breathed a sigh of relief. He sat down opposite us and told us that the surgery had gone very well. He said he had been aggressive in trying to remove as much tumor as possible - his reasons being that Daniel's spinal cord can not continue to be opened up over and over again - he wanted to make sure he took out as much of the tumor as he could while he had the chance. He said the electrical monitoring alarm went off at one point, and this prevented him from going any further. Daniel was waking up, and was moving his fingers and toes. Overall, Dr. Selden thought the surgery had been very successful. He told us to wait in ICU and they would be wheeling Daniel in soon.

Once Daniel was brought to ICU, Dr. Selden examined him again. He could clearly see now that Daniel's left arm had been affected by the surgery. During his surgery in New York, Daniel's RIGHT arm had been affected, but the function eventually returned to an almost normal state. So we had hope that the function in his left arm would also return. Although the movement in his left arm did improve greatly over the following weeks and months, still to this day, he has issues. His left arm twitches all the time, and he has trouble grasping things with his left hand. The one thing he misses the most is being able to play the piano - something he really enjoyed before the surgery. But for the most part, the slight disability has hardly hindered him at all. He lives with it like it's a just a normal part of his life.

I don't even need to say how thankful and relieved we were that Daniel came through surgery with no significant nerve loss. The Lord has continually brought him (and us) through so many trials and terrifying experiences, and for this we give Him all the glory.

Daniel's 2007 Tumor Surgery - Part One

2010-09-28T13:44:00.000-07:00

Daniel finished his chemotherapy regimen in early 2005. In 2005, we started noticing that Daniel's growth had slowed down considerably. His younger brother had passed him up in height. We took Daniel to an endocrinologist, a doctor who specializes in hormone disorders. The endocrinologist performed lots of tests on Daniel, but essentially there was nothing that could be done for him. Human growth hormone therapy was not an option, because this therapy potentially promotes tumor growth. Another therapy would have blocked the absorption of estrogen, which strengthens bones. Daniel's bones, because of the steroid use, were already too brittle. We were advised to just wait and hope for the best. In 2005, Daniel's growth was on the 5% curve. Since then, it has dropped down even lower and is not even on the curve. This issue has been a difficult one for us to deal with. We remind ourselves often that God must have plans for Daniel that are different than ours. Bigger. God is preparing Daniel to be a giant on the inside. Daniel's trials have given him spiritual depth and a wisdom and maturity of someone twice his age. We are blessed daily by the amazing character we see in him.

To rewind a little, Daniel had an MRI in mid-December 2007. I've mentioned before that MRI days are never fun, at all. But this day, I felt strangely calm and peaceful. The butterflies were not there like they usually are. The MRI was followed as usual by a consultation with Daniel's oncologist at Doernbecher. We sat in a tiny examination room - Wes, Daniel, and I, for about 45 minutes waiting for the doctor to come in. Our other children had come with us, but were watching a movie in the waiting room. We got so bored, that we started singing songs in that room. I'm sure the whole floor could hear us singing. Finally, the doctor walked in with a neurosurgeon. He proceeded to examine Daniel. His examination was more probing than usual. When he was finished, he looked at the neurosurgeon and said, "Well, he LOOKS okay." He started talking to us about the MRI almost immediately after examining Daniel, but his previous comment had already tipped me off. I knew that something was amiss.

He told us that the MRI revealed tumor growth in the cervical (neck) area. He called the neurosurgeon on the phone before meeting with us, and the neurosurgeon (Dr. Nathan Selden) had decided to come over. They discussed the findings before meeting with us, and had come to a consensus that another surgery was needed to remove this growth. Wes and I took the news in stride, without reacting strongly. We'd been down this road before, and although we were very disappointed, we still had confidence that God would bring Daniel through, once again. This time, Daniel was 12 and not 7 - a big difference. A child's level of understanding is much greater at 12 years old, but Daniel remained incredibly calm.

The first thing we did when we got home was send an email to Dr. George Jallo. Dr. Jallo had assisted Dr. Kothbauer during Daniel's tumor resection surgery in New York and had an equally high level of experience and expertise. Dr. Kothbauer had made the decision a few years earlier to take his neurosurgical expertise to Europe where it was very much needed, and he moved to Switzerland. Dr. Jallo had knowledge of Dr. Selden at Doernbecher. He placed a great deal of confidence in Dr. Selden's ability to perform a successful tumor resection surgery in the spinal cord. Hospitals around the country had made great strides in this field since Daniel's last surgery in 2002 - and so he advised us to have the surgery done in Portland this time.

We followed his advice, and made the decision to go with Dr. Selden. We met with Dr. Selden and he gave us some disconcerting news - each time the spinal cord is opened up, there is an exponentially greater risk for neurological damage, because the surgeon must cut through scar tissue from previous surgeries. This surgery would be less extensive than the one in New York, but at the same time, much more risky. He told us that the chances for paralysis, even death, were higher. We left the appointment feeling desperately aware of how much we needed to release our fears for Daniel's life and well-being, and place them in God's hands. The surgery was scheduled for December 31st, 2007, New Years Eve. So we made the decision to try and have the most wonderful Christmas possible before the big day arrived.

Chemotherapy/God's Protection and Provision

2010-09-17T18:55:00.000-07:00

An MRI was performed right after Daniel's shunt placement surgery - his doctors needed answers as to why his hydrocephalus came on so suddenly. Daniel's original tumor began just below the brain stem and spanned all the way to the middle of his back. The portion of the tumor just below the brain stem was very bulky through the neck area and thinned down from there. Dr. Kothbauer removed the tumor to a great extent, but many of the tumor fragments remaining were in the neck (or cervical) area. The MRI performed after the shunt surgery showed that something was going on in that area of the spinal cord. It was difficult for the doctors and radiologist to determine what they were seeing. But the spinal cord in the neck area clearly was quite a bit larger and bulkier as compared to the previous MRI. Although a consensus was never made as to what had caused the hydrocephalus, there WAS a consensus by Daniel's doctors, including Dr. Kothbauer in New York, recommending chemotherapy at this point.

We started meeting regularly with Daniel's oncologist. The chemotherapy regimen recommended for Daniel was one established for slow-growing spinal cord and brain tumors. There were 4 or 5 drugs involved, and the dosages were relatively mild. The hardest part about it was the amount of time involved. It would take at least 15 months to complete the entire regimen, although when all was said and done, it took about 18 months. So we settled into a whole new routine - one involving regular trips to Doernbecher Hospital. During the course of the chemotherapy, Daniel went through a bout of adrenal failure, not related to the chemo directly, but to past steroid use, which caused him to throw up most of his food for about 2 weeks. He also needed sporadic red blood cell and platelet transfusions because of the chemo. However, the chemo drugs made him only mildly nauseous, and his hair didn't fall out. Each MRI performed during this time revealed shrinkage in the cervical area of the spinal cord - we were very thankful.

Daniel and I made almost weekly trips to Doernbecher in Portland. I tried to make each trip a fun experience for Daniel. We ate at his favorite restaurants and made frequent visits to Toys-R-Us. I look back on this time with fondness, and enjoyed all the time I got to spend with Daniel. He was so sweet and patient through it all and a blessing to everyone he came in contact with at the hospital.

One hot, summer day in 2004, I had taken my kids to a swimming area at a local river. On the way home, we stopped at a Dairy Queen drive-thru for some ice cream. In the drive-thru line, I asked Daniel what he would like. He responded, but it sounded like his words were coming out backwards and I could not make out what he was trying to tell me. We got through the line, and I parked the car. I asked Daniel what was wrong. He said, "I can't get my words to come out right." Thinking maybe he had tired himself out swimming, I told him to lay his head back and rest. But about halfway between Dairy Queen and home, I realized something was wrong. He tried talking but his words were making no sense. And he was clearly frightened. I called Wes and told him what was going on and that I was taking him to the Emergency Room.

Daniel came into the ER hardly able to talk, but within about 20 minutes or so, he regained his ability to speak. Later that day, we brought him up to Doernbecher and he was admitted. The doctors there determined that he had had a TIA, or mild stroke. Many tests were performed, including an EKG. Nothing had been lost during the stroke. He was very fortunate. Daniel had no more serious episodes after this. Another very scary event in Daniel's journey - yet he once again made it through without any permanent side-effects or damage. Praise the Lord.

Daniel eventually made it through chemo. It was a long 18 months for the entire family. We continued to home school. By the time Daniel started chemo, I was a pretty experienced and seasoned home school mom. I can not imagine how difficult these 18 months would have been on our family if all my kids had been enrolled in a regular school. Home school gave us tremendous flexibility and also allowed our whole family to focus our energies on taking care of Daniel's needs. Some days, all the kids did their school in the car on the long drives up to the hospital, Sometimes Brooke and Elijah did school at Grandma's house while Daniel did his at the hospital. But in some way or another, school always got done. And we were able to stick together as a family, while many families in that situation would have been forced to "divide and conquer." While our family and our children stayed close and strong, there were relational struggles. Our marriage took the hardest hit, and I will discuss that in a later post. But God is our Redeemer - He is in the business of Redeeming that which is broken and damaged. He preserved our relationship as a family, and He also redeemed our marriage from a deep, dark pit.

The Scariest Day of My Life

2010-09-10T16:30:00.000-07:00

It was Sept. 9th, 2003, and Wes, the kids and I went to Pacific City, on the Oregon Coast. There is a huge sand dune on the beach there that our kids love to climb. Once they get to the top, they will run (or roll) all the way down. Daniel, normally able to keep up with his brother and sister, wasn't acting like himself. He seemed tired and said he didn't think he could climb the sand dune. Later, he complained of having a bad headache. Daniel made it through the day OK, but as soon as we got home, he went to bed.

Early the next morning, I heard Daniel moaning in his bedroom, in obvious pain. He said that his head hurt very bad. I talked with him and tried to comfort him. He had to get up to use the bathroom. As soon as he sat up he said he felt sick to his stomach. Within a minute or so, he was throwing up in the bathroom. By this point in our journey with Daniel, I had enough knowledge to be able to figure out what these symptoms most likely pointed to - hydrocephalus. I called Wes's sister, Karen, the "family" nurse. I told her my concerns and asked her if she thought we should take him into the hospital. She said yes. I called Doernbecher and talked with a nurse, who also agreed that he should be seen. Wes was at work, so I called him and he drove back home to be with us. On the ride up to Doernbecher, Daniel seemed to be in less pain. It is common for a person experiencing symptoms of hydrocephalus to feel some relief when sitting in an upright position.

We were told to bring Daniel to the oncology clinic inside the hospital. Once inside the clinic exam room, Daniel just wanted to lie down. I didn't think this was such a good idea. But being that he was very sleepy (another classic hydrocephalus symptom), we let him lie back on several pillows. A doctor came in (not Daniel's regular oncologist). We expressed our concerns. She said a CT scan would reveal whether or not he had hydrocephalus. A nurse came in to draw some blood, and proceeded to ask Daniel some questions. Daniel was awake - he tried to talk, but his words sounded garbled, and we couldn't make sense out of anything he said. The nurse didn't think much of it, but I knew something was very wrong. I looked her right in the eyes and said in a desperate tone of voice, "This is NOT normal. Something is going on!" She sauntered out to get the doctor. Wes and I were left in the room alone with Daniel for what seemed like an eternity. We tried to encourage Daniel to tell us what was going on, but his words weren't at all intelligible. Then right before the doctor came in, Daniel started screaming - it was the scream of intense suffering. Then, he started fading into unconsciousness. The doctor rushed in, and then Daniel completely lost consciousness. The doctor took his vitals. His heart was still beating, he was still breathing, but he just wasn't there anymore. He had sunk into a coma.

Immediately, everyone on the clinic floor mobilized around Daniel. A gurney was brought in. By this time, I was starting to go into a kind of paralyzing shock. I turned away from everything that was going on. I thought for sure Daniel was dying. Fortunately, Wes was there, and he took over. He told the doctors and nurses everything that had happened that day. He stayed with Daniel every second. Wes followed the doctors all the way into a different part of the hospital, holding Daniel's hand the whole way. I remained back in the clinic.. Eventually, Wes came back for me. He said that they were performing an emergency CT scan. Then we heard from the doctors what we had suspected - Daniel had severe hydrocephalus and was being taken into emergency surgery to have a temporary shunt put in.

I don't remember much between when Daniel was rolled out of clinic, until after the surgery was over. But I do clearly remember walking into the ICU. Daniel had a tube coming out of his head. The tube was connected to a plastic bag, which was already almost full of a yellowish liquid, Daniel's cerebral-spinal fluid. The surgeon came in and told us that Daniel's vital signs were good. They did say, however, that there was a chance some brain damage could have occurred - but we wouldn't know for sure until Daniel woke up. Eventually, Daniel started to regain consciousness. Wes's sister, Karen, had arrived at the hospital and was allowed to come into the room with us. The three of us stood hovering over Daniel as he started to wake up. Daniel looked up at us. Karen spoke up and said, "Hey there Daniel, do you know who this is?" Daniel non-chalantly replied, "Oh, Hi, Aunt Karen." We all smiled. Daniel was the same old Daniel. Thank you, Jesus.

Daniel went in for surgery the very next day, September 11th, to have a permanent shunt put in. He has that shunt still. This event kicked off a series of other events, that I will discuss in a later post.

The Adventure Begins....Again

2010-09-05T18:15:00.001-07:00

Daniel's overall health continued to improve after the surgery in New York, and he lead a very normal life considering all he'd gone through. 6 months after his surgery, he had an MRI. The MRI showed that some droplet pieces of tumor in his lower spinal cord appeared to be growing. The growth was minimal - Daniel's oncologist said he thought we should just continue to monitor it closely and wait. In the summer of 2003, Daniel was playing outside, riding bikes with his brother, Elijah. Wes had just come home for lunch, when Daniel walked into the house saying that he felt very weird, his stomach hurt, and he was having trouble walking. Wes and I looked at one another, obviously concerned. We told him to lie down on the couch. A few minutes later we came in to check on him and asked him to try getting up and walking around. He said, "I can't get up." Puzzled, we asked him why. He said, "My legs won't move." We quickly started to realize that something was very wrong. Daniel started to cry and said, "I don't know what's wrong, but I just can't move them, and I can't feel them either." Panic quickly set in.

Immediately, we sprung into action, carried him to the car, and headed for the emergency room at McMinnville Hospital. The ER staff brought him back to a room as quickly as possible. On the way to the hospital Wes called his sister, Karen, to let her know what was going on so she could mobilize the family to pray. It just so happened that Karen was at Doernbecher Hospital on the children's cancer floor visiting a child who was an inpatient there. It was the child's birthday that day and his parents threw a big party for him at the hospital. Karen said, "I need to let Dr. Nicholsen know what's going on ASAP. I will try to track him down."

By the time we arrived at the hospital, Karen had already tracked down Dr. Nicholsen. Dr. Nicholsen called the ER in McMinnville right after we arrived, and said, "Daniel is having a spinal cord stroke. You need to administer dexamethasone (a powerful steroid that immediately shrinks inflammation) STAT!" Within probably ten minutes of our arrival at the hospital, Daniel had been given a dexamethasone injection. The whole time leading up to this, Daniel was still unable to move his legs. But within minutes after receiving the injection, the feeling and movement in his legs started to return. Eventually, Daniel fully regained the ability to move his legs.

We were so struck by the serious nature of the situation and the way God had provided for Daniel's needs. If the medicine had been injected too late, the paralysis in Daniel's legs could have been permanent. Dr. Nicholsen wanted to see Daniel as soon as possible. We drove up to Doernbecher Hospital later that day, and Daniel was checked in as an inpatient. In the room right next to ours was a 12-year-old girl who was recovering from spinal cord tumor surgery - her second one, after it was discovered that her tumor had regrown. Her name was Maddie, and she was doing well. But her first surgery a few years before had not gone so well - it had left her unable to walk. Eventually with physical therapy, she regained some function in her legs and learned how to walk very short distances. Her most recent surgery (in 2003) was more successful - in large part because the neurosurgeons at Doernbecher had been brought up to speed on the advances and new technology involved in spinal cord tumor removal. It was refreshing to meet this family - the first one we'd met whose child had a spinal cord tumor, and very similar in pathology to Daniel's. We were able to share our experiences together. And when we returned home, we kept in close contact with them and and gave each other mutual support.

Daniel was given extremely high doses of the steroid. He had been on steroids before, be never on doses this high. Dr. Nicholsen wanted him to stay on this medication for several weeks. Once a person has been on high doses of steroids for an extended period of time, his/her adrenal glands begin to shut down. So the medication has to been stepped down in very small increments to give the adrenal glands a chance to start working again. In a short period of time, Daniel was so bloated and fat from the steroids, that he looked freakish. His face was so swollen, that it looked like a balloon about to pop at any moment. Everytime we'd go out in public (and we even went on a camping trip in the San Juans Islands later that summer), people could not help but stare at him. We would even hear people say things like, "Oh my gosh, did you see that kid?" It was extremely difficult for me to deal with- especially since under normal circumstances, Daniel was such an adorable kid. Fortunately, Daniel, being only 8 at the time, was mostly oblivious to the very odd way he looked and the way people stared at him. His normal appearance did return about 3 or 4 months later.

The high doses of steroids during this time are the reason why Daniel's growth has been so severely stunted. Powerful steroids drastically affect bone growth in children - the higher the steroid dose, the more that growth will be affected. Even if we had known this, there really was no other choice. As a parent with a sick child, I learned to be thankful for the little things, and to accept the setbacks. After all, this precious little boy who was not supposed live, was still here for us to hug, kiss and treasure.

Just a few months after this, we had another even scarier episode with Daniel that I will share in my next post.

To Sue or Not to Sue?

2010-09-01T20:24:00.000-07:00

When all was said and done, our insurance covered Daniel's hospital stay in New York (a bill of over $100,000) but only part of the surgeon's costs. The costs not covered totaled about $15,000. Dr. Kothbauer never billed us for what our insurance would not pay - an extremely generous gesture on his part. But over the 8 months prior to our trip to New York, we had accumulated thousands of dollars in medical bills - our insurance covered about 80 to 90% - we were expected to pay the rest, including deductibles. A fund had been set up at a bank here in McMinnville to help us with medical costs. Various anonymous doners contributed several thousand dollars to help defray these costs. How thankful we were for this!

It took only a few weeks upon returning from New York for Wes and I to start grappling with the issues of why things went so wrong at Emanuel Hospital. First, there was the wrong pathology, which led Dr. Wehby to make the decision to take out a portion of Daniel's backbones. This led to a progression of scoliosis that continued from bad to worse. Next the doctors there tried very hard to push us into a treatment regimen for Daniel according to the pathology (that was wrong) - and had we submitted to the recommended treatment, today Daniel would be mildly retarded at best and severely deformed. I praise God that He gave us the wisdom to decline this treatment despite the strong opposition we received from his doctors. Next there was the issue of Daniel's tumor being inoperable, when in fact, there were surgeons (albeit not many) in the US who had been successfully operating on spinal cord tumors for years, even cancerous ones. Why had the doctors at Emanuel not made more of an effort to help us find the help Daniel needed, even when we asked them repeatedly to look into other options?

We consulted a lawyer. The lawyer thought we had more than enough reason to sue, and records from the doctors were subpoened. But during our visits with him, we learned in cases like ours, it's all about damages. How much damage had Daniel sustained, and how did the doctors' mistakes affect the quality of his life? Daniel would have been required t0 testify and so would we. Looking at the big picture, we realized that God had saved and delivered Daniel from so much. Ultimately, we decided not to go forward with a lawsuit, because we did not wish to spend the next several years focusing on the negative. And we didn't want Daniel focusing on all the bad things that had happened to him. Sure we all were injured and wronged, but at the same time, God had protected him in miraculous ways.

In fact, I have often wondered this: If the original pathology had shown his tumor to be slow-growing, then Dr. Wehby would have attempted to remove it. But because the pathology was wrong, she did not. 8 months later, Daniel's tumor was removed by a surgeon that had extensive experience in removing spinal cord tumors, and high-tech monitoring devices to detect changes in nerve function. Daniel made it through an extremely risky, dangerous surgery with only minimal damage. After his surgery in New York, we met a girl who had a spinal cord tumor, and her parents. Her tumor was removed a few years before Daniel's by a surgeon at Doernbecher. She went into the surgery fully able to walk. She came out of surgery and could no longer walk.

Daniel had been so fortunate. Although we decided not to sue, we did file complaints with the hospital and the Oregon medical board. The hardest part for us to deal with had been the trauma of thinking our son had only a few months to live. This took a toll on our health and emotional well-being. But over time, God healed our emotions and our "post-traumatic stress" (I use the term loosely).

We had no idea at this time, just how much more of an adventure we were in for. Daniel did very well for about a year. But his issues eventually resurfaced, and we had many more very scary moments with him. I will continue with his story in later posts.

Back Home/ Rachael and Addam

2010-08-30T18:29:00.000-07:00

Daniel's pathology report came back just before we left New York. The tumor was determined to be a mixture of two types of tumor cells - ganglioglioma and astrocytoma. Pathology reports also categorize tumors by how quickly the cells grow and spread. Daniel's tumor type was labeled a grade two - grade one being the best and grade four being the worst. So his tumor was on the more benign end of the spectrum, but not as benign as it could have been. Daniel's doctors in New York discussed how they thought we should proceed. The "tumor board" could not come to a consesus, in terms of whether or not the surgery should be followed by chemotherapy (radiation was not recommended). We made the decision at this point not to go ahead with chemo.

After almost 3 weeks in New York City, we were given the OK to return home. We got home on July 3, 2002. Daniel's recovery was remarkable - even all his doctors said that. He still had lingering issues with his arm and had to learn to write with his left hand. But in a short time, Daniel was running, biking and playing with his friends like any normal 7 year old boy. Normalcy returned to our lives.

Right after returning from New York, we met a single mother whose son, Addam, also age 7, had just been diagnosed with medulloblastoma. Addam's tumor had been surgically removed, but as I've mentioned before, this kind of brain tumor is highly aggressive. Even after the tumor is removed, cells left behind will start growing again, unless aggressively treated with chemotherapy and high-dose radiation. We got to know Rachael through a friend of a friend. She was a Christian, like us. We became good friends with Rachael.

Rachael was very shocked upon meeting with the oncologist and discovering the extent of brain and spinal damage her son would sustain during treatment. The kind of radiation used to treat medulloblastoma (PNET) always produces mild retardation and causes the bones of the skull and spine to stop growing. Her son was given about a 60% chance of survival with treatment - a 0% chance without it. The decision to put a child through treatment with side effects like that is quite difficult for a parent to make. To add to the difficulty of her decision, 7 year old Addam was a sensitive child, much more sensitive than Daniel, and had a traumatic hospital experience. He said he didn't want to be in the hospital anymore, ever.

Rachael was very interested in alternative cancer therapies and started Addam on the artimisinin right away. She prayed with us, she prayed with her church family and with Addam, before finally making the decision to decline treatment. I remember her calling me and saying, "I just can't submit to a treatment that will kill my son's brain." Immediately after she made the decision to decline treatment, DHS stepped in and took her to court for child neglect, trying to remove Addam from her custody. Wes and I sat in on all the proceedings, which lasted about a week. The judge ruled in Rachael's favor, but by the time the court proceedings were over, Addam's cancer had already returned and had spread to his spine.

We spent a great deal of time with Rachael, Addam, and Rachael's daughter, Aleigha. Rachael had no husband. The weight of her decision was placed firmly on her shoulders. She attended a very charismatic church, and friends from church often gathered in her home to pray for Addam's healing. But Addam very quickly went downhill. Eventually, Addam stopped eating. He needed massive doses of morphine, and when the morphine wore off, he would scream out in pain. One time I stopped over at Rachael's house to visit and was incredibly shocked by Addam's appearance. He had lost so much weight - literally all I saw were skin and bones, and he was awake and conscious only for short periods of time.

Even though Rachael had many friends from church, she wanted Wes and I to be there with her - I think because we probably knew more than anyone else what she was going through. We got a call one day from one of Rachael's friends saying that Addam was near the end. I got in my car, dropped my kids off with grandma, and drove up to Rachael's house in Canby, about a 45 minute drive. By the time I got to the house, Addam had passed away. I walked into Rachael's bedroom, and Rachael was rocking Addam in her arms, and sobbing. Addam's fingers and toes were already blue. We stood by as the coroner came and put Addam's body on a gurney and took him away.

We attended Addam's memorial service, and kept in touch with Rachael closely. She was the strongest woman I've ever met. She was a daily encouragement to me, always telling me how blessed she was to be in the arms of a loving God. She dealt with her sons' passing so well. Each time I talked to her, I marveled at her faith and her strength, and I admired her deeply. She said something a few months after Addam's death, that has stayed with me ever since. "Kristen, before the this trial, I had a faith in God and I trusted Him. But now, my faith is more like a knowing. Because God's presence truly has been with me every step of the way."

The trauma of Daniel's illness, compounded with the experience of watching Addam die, took its toll on me emotionally and spiritually. It's almost impossible for a person to go through such a traumatic ordeal without any consequences or baggage. Wes and I processed through the pain much differently. I think Wes coped with his emotions by immersing himself in work, and when not at work, with recreation. I, on the other hand, felt very tired of being strong. I cried often and in my spirit, I asked the difficult questions: What had we done wrong, if anything? Why did Daniel have to be the one to suffer? Why not me? etc... I questioned God's justice. Interestingly enough, the hardest "why" question for me was this: Why did Daniel live, while so many wonderful children (not just Addam but other children we had come to know at the hospital) die? I do not have an answer for this, and never will this side of eternity. I will not attempt to elucidate my opinions on these ultimate questions - that's not my intent. I will say that I did read the book of Job many times. I found that Job also questioned God's justice and mercy. Job did not understand, because it was not revealed to him, that there was a spiritual drama being played out behind the scenes. Ultimately this was the choice Job made: "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." and "I know my Redeemer lives, and I will stand with Him on that day." and by saying this, Job had won a cosmic battle. Eventually, after many months of questioning, I came to a place where I could say these words as well, and believe them to be true.

MY greatest battle became fear - irrational fear. I started experiencing fear and doubt like never before in my life. It was mild at first - but eventually I started worrying about my other two children almost incessantly, not to mention Daniel. I remember taking Elijah to the doctor several times because he had been complaining of stomach aches, and because I thought he looked too skinny. I was afraid Elijah had cancer. It did not help that every cancer doctor we'd consulted during Daniel's illness had wanted to know how healthy our other two children were.

But just as God provided help and healing for Daniel, he provided emotional healing for me. I still needed to be carried by Him - and He wanted to carry me. I memorized Psalm 121 during this time:

I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip; He who watches over you will not slumber.
Indeed, He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your Keeper; He is the shade at your right hand.
The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The Lord watches over your life; He will keep you from all harm.
The Lord watches over your coming and going, both NOW and FOREVERMORE.

The Recovery

2010-08-27T12:53:00.000-07:00

A cloud of doom had been lifted as quickly as it had descended upon us 8 months earlier. Daniel was going to live. I could almost feel the heavy mental and emotional weights lifting off my shoulders. A nurse summoned us to follow her into the recovery room. Still teary and extremely emotional, I walked into where Daniel was lying. Dr. Kothbauer stood next to Daniel's bed. He could see Wes and I had been crying, and he hugged us both. Daniel was uncomfortable and still very groggy, but Dr. Kothbauer, proud of what he'd accomplished, was anxious to show us how Daniel could wriggle his toes and his fingers. I stood there by Daniel's bed for several minutes just watching him, and whispering, "Thank you, Jesus" over and over.

A normal couple would probably have been very concerned about their child after a surgery as big as Daniel's was, but we felt hardly anything but joy and relief. Everything around us looked and felt different. I took a walk down the street to a corner deli for some lunch. Suddenly, my physical surroundings were visible to me and "in color". The upper east side apartments and shops were so charming. I felt the warmth of the sun and the nice breeze blowing through my hair. I really tasted food for the first time in months, and it tasted so good.

Daniel spent the next few days in ICU. Wes and I took turns staying with him each night through the rest of his hospital stay Once the anesthesia had worn off, we could see the effects of surgery much more clearly. Daniel had lost the use of his right arm. We were told this was quite normal - the medical staff told us the coordination in his arm and hand would, for the most part, eventually return. They had so much experience with patients like Daniel. They knew just how much morphine to give him, and when to start weaning him off of it. Daniel was being weaned off of morphine by the second day post-surgery. He was sitting up in a chair by the third day, and walking by the 4th. Daniel stayed in the hospital for about a week after surgery. Physical and occupational therapists came every day to work on his hand and arm coordination. They "forced" him to try using his arm as much as possible. They played games with him, and they strapped him onto a large tricycle in order to exercise his muscles (see the photos below). Daniel would not regain the coordination in his arm right away. But eventually most of it did return.

A few nurses there were quite fond of Daniel and of us. One nurse in particular, discovered Daniel's preference for hot dogs, and several times she came to work with a hotdog for Daniel from a vendor down the street. Beth Israel had a special play area on the roof (see picture below). We spent quite a bit of time out there, sitting in the sun and watching Daniel ride the tricycle around.

It seemed there was never a dull moment. Daniel was either exercising, walking, playing games, being visited by clowns, pet therapy and music therapy volunteers, or watching movies. Our time there sped by. Eventually, Dr. Kothbauer said he thought Daniel could check out of the hospital, but he still wanted us to stay close by for a few more days. We spent our last few days in New York City staying at the Ronald McDonald house together. We explored the city some more, and found some great places to eat. One place in particular, served lobster, cheap. Daniel loves lobster, so we ate there 2 or 3 times.

After Daniel had been released from the hospital, we visited Times Square Church (David Wilkerson's church). A friend from our church in McMinnville had sent Times Square Church an email, asking them to pray for us, and just letting them know we were there in New York. On the day of Daniel's surgery, we received a visit from a lady who attended this church. She brought us a home-cooked meal, and ended up visiting us almost every day we were there. Abby invited us to attend a Wednesday evening service with her. It turned out to be a very appropriate and fitting way to end our stay in New York, as our hearts were overflowing with thanksgiving to God for all He had done.

Pictures from New York

2010-08-26T16:35:00.000-07:00

Daniel's Tumor Removal Surgery

2010-08-26T09:10:00.001-07:00

While staying at the Ronald McDonald house, we met a teenage boy - Armando had come all the way from Guatemala. He was staying at the Ronald McDonald house while recovering and rehabilitating from spinal cord tumor surgery. Dr. Kothbauer shared with us many details of his illness and his surgery. A missionary had befriended him in Guatemala - Armando was very sick. He was losing his ability to walk and no one knew why. The missionary had taken up Armando's cause and eventually discovered Beth Israel Hospital. By the time Armando was flown to New York, he could no longer walk. The tumor had grown too large and had paralysed him. Dr. Kothbauer removed his tumor, but even after surgery, Armando wasn't regaining his ability to walk. Dr. Kothbauer told us that spinal cord tumors eventually will paralyze if left unchecked, and once this happens the odds go way down in terms of the patient's ability to walk again. Although Armando spoke almost no English, we befriended him as best as we could. I felt a strong attachment to him. He was a sweet, sweet boy, always smiling and giving me the thumbs-up sign. And he deeply touched my heart (see photo above).

The day before surgery, Daniel had a pre-op MRI. The MRI pictures would be like a map, guiding Dr. Kothbauer during surgery. He would be using a patented instrument invented by Fred Epstein. This instrument, called a Cavitron, looks more like a dental device. It literally pulverizes the tumor, one tiny piece at a time, and then sucks it out of the spinal cord. Since Daniel's tumor was very large, the tumor removal process would take many hours. Someone would be monitoring Daniel's nerve function constantly, through a high-tech machine that measures nerve impulses. The machine detects any dips or changes in nerve function. A change would cause the machine to beep like an alarm - a warning that the surgeon is getting too close to healthy nerve tissue. Once the alarm goes off, the surgeon must stop the process of removing the tumor in that particular location.

We were required to fill out and sign a great deal of paper work and a consent form. Dr. Kothbauer said there was a 10% chance Daniel would be paralyzed during surgery, and an even higher chance he would lose at least some motor coordination. In spite of all the disclosures and warnings he was obligated to give, Dr. Kothbauer exuded confidence and calm.

After the MRI and our appointment with Dr. Kothbauer, we left the hospital and explored the upper east side some more. I remember we walked past a pet shop, with a litter of baby pug puppies in the shop window. Daniel was enthralled. He sat in his stroller and watched them for a long time, smiling from ear to ear. We would be checking Daniel into the hospital at 7:00 am the next morning, so we put Daniel into bed early.

On the morning of Thursday, June 20, 2002, we arrived at the hospital for Daniel's surgery. We dressed him in his hospital gown, met some nurses and the anesthiologist, and then Dr. Kothbauer walked in. After exchanging pleasantries, he asked us, "Are you ready for this?" I replied, "Yes, I think so. Are YOU?" He laughed, and said, "I am MORE than ready." Alright, then. Daniel was calm and peaceful. No crying or fear. He smiled at us and told us he was going to be just fine! He may have felt fine, but I,on the other hand, didn't know for sure if I was going to be.

During the first few hours of waiting, I kept my composure fairly well. But as the hours dragged on, my mind began to explore every possible scenario. Doubt started creeping in - especially doubt that his tumor was not cancerous. About 3 or 4 hours into the surgery, I began silently talking myself in and then out of every worst-case scenario I could think of. I told Wes that I needed some fresh air. We walked right across the street to a park overlooking the East River. I told Wes how I was feeling - about my fears and doubts. Being my rock and the voice of reason, Wes reminded me that God had brought us all the way to this point, and He was in absolute control. He reminded me that God is good - He wouldn't lead us here, only to pull a bait-and-switch. We sat on a park bench and prayed for quite a while, before making our way back to the hospital waiting area.

We waited and waited. The surgery took about 8 hours. After what seemed an eternity, we FINALLY saw Dr. Kothbauer walk into the waiting area. He sat down in front of us, still in his OR garb, and said these words: "The surgery went very well. I was able to remove a great deal of the tumor - more than I anticipated - about 90% of his tumor is now gone. I would have removed even more, but the electrical monitors went off at one point, letting me know I was getting too close to his nerves." I asked him about the pathology - he said that a flash pathology revealed just what he had suspected. The tumor was not a PNET, but another kind, a slow-growing variety. However, a detailed pathology would eventually provide the final verdict. He told us that Daniel had already started to wake up. He was wriggling his fingers and his toes on command. When Dr. Kothbauer left the room, we stood up and hugged each other and cried in one another's arms for several minutes.

New York City - Part Three

2010-08-25T16:12:00.000-07:00

We spent all of our free time walking, strolling (Daniel), and exploring. On Monday, we stayed pretty close to the Ronald McDonald House. I don't think we ventured far from the upper east side. One of our first stops involved getting a prescription filled for Daniel. Dr. Kothbauer prescribed Dexamethasone, a steroid, to help relieve the pain in his head. The steroid shrinks inflammation caused by the tumor and creates more of an opening for the cerebral-spinal fluid to flow through. The prescription did make Daniel feel so much better.

I have trouble remembering all we saw and did on the first day. But I do remember we ate dinner at a nice, intimate Italian restaurant. Our Italian waiter was very friendly and asked us where we were from and what had brought us to New York City. We gave him some background information about Daniel, and told him Daniel was scheduled to have a surgery on Thursday. After dinner he brought out 3 Tiramisu desserts - one for each of us - and said it was on the house. We were constantly being blessed by the generosity and compassion of others.

On Tuesday, we took Daniel back to the hospital for pre-op testing. We met a neuro-oncologist that day and a resident in neuro-oncology. Over the following weeks, we would end up spending a great deal of time with both these men and with Dr. Kothbauer. While Dr. Kothbauer was mild-mannered and charming, the neuro-oncologist was more blunt and high-strung. He reminded me of a Harvard college professor (not that I've ever BEEN to Harvard :) ). The neuro-oncology resident orginally came from Romania - he was young and friendly. He performed much of the pre-op testing, while the more experienced doctors interpreted the findings.

The tests regularly performed on Daniel in Portland were a walk in the park compared to the tests performed that day. Gabor, the resident, tested his levels of pressure and pain sensation and every other kind of sensation - from the top of his head, to the bottom of his feet. One of the things they found that stuck out to me, was that Daniel's left hand and fingers were smaller than his right - a discrepancy not large enough to notice unless you were looking for it. Gabor held out Daniel's thumbs and showed us how the left thumb was visibly smaller than the right. This was an indication to him that Daniel's tumor had been growing slowly over the course of many years, maybe even since he was a baby. When I heard this explanation, I wanted to leap in the air for joy - it was one more confirmation to me that Daniel did not have an aggressive cancer.

After pre-op testing was over, we left the hospital, got in a cab and asked the driver to take us down to the lower west side. We were dropped off near Wall Street. We walked and walked all day long, trying to take in as much of the city as we could. We walked to the huge, gaping hole where the Twin Towers had stood. The memory of that tragedy was still fresh in minds and hearts of all who lived there. Plywood walls surrounding the site were covered with letters, flowers, items that belonged to the deceased, messages, pictures, adn lots of American flags. It was a sober and highly touching scene. In utter silence, we looked at it all. Crowds of people were there along with us, and the silence was palpable.

We walked to the edge of the water and looked out at Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty. We saw the Brooklyn Bridge, we shopped at Macy's on 34th Street. We walked until we were almost ready to collapse. It was really the first somewhat light-hearted day we'd had in 8 months. The surgery was still two days away so our minds were not very occupied with that, and we had just been shown the first glimpses of light in the midst of such deep darkness. The shadow of death was beginning to recede.

New York City - Part Two

2010-08-23T15:18:00.000-07:00

The Franklin Hotel was very close to the hospital - we told the person at the front desk we were checking out but we might possibly be checking back in that evening. We walked to the hospital, located in the upper east corner of Manhatten, right next to the East River. We found Dr. Kothbauer's office. Of course, we had no appointment, so we asked the receptionist inside the office if we could talk with Dr. Kothbauer - that he knew who we were. She made a phone call, and then Dr. Kothbauer's personal assistant walked into the waiting area. The first thing out of her mouth was, "You are THE Thomas's....the Thomas's from OREGON? I was told just today to start working on your insurance issues. We're not ready for you yet!" We told her about the free airline tickets - we said that we'd waited 8 months already - we were tired of waiting, and Daniel was getting sicker. She replied, "Well, I have no idea yet whether your insurance will cover this hospital stay, or if Dr. Kothbauer even has an opening for you." We told her that it really didn't matter ultimately what our insurance did or did not cover - we would pay for the surgery for the rest of our lives if we had to. She said, "Well....Dr. Kothbauer is in surgery right now - I will send him a message and let him know you're here." She was irritated with us, but we were beyond the point of caring about proper protocol.

A while later, she returned to the waiting area. She said, "Dr. Kothbauer said that a surgery for Thursday has just been cancelled. He told me to schedule Daniel immediately to fill that empty spot. He wants to visit with you as soon as he's finished with surgery. Can you come back in about 2 hours?"

We were so incredibly thankful! A surgery for Daniel on Thursday - words we'd been waiting to hear for way too long! We went out to lunch at a cute little Irish restaurant. Eventually we made the discovery that New York is littered with cute little Irish (and Italian) restaurants. While eating lunch,we realized suddenly that Daniel's biopsy at Doernbecher was scheduled to happen in 2 days! So, Wes called Dr. Selden's office in Portland to let him know of our change of plans. They were shocked and irritated with us - it seemed everyone was that day!

After lunch we made our way back to the hospital. We waited a while longer, and then we were asked to follow the assistant into Dr. Kothbauer's study. It was a comfortable, large room with a couch, pillows, comfy chairs, and pictures plastering the walls - but there were no pictures of Dr. Kothbauer. This is what we discovered that day: Dr. Kothbauer was Dr. Fred Epstein's protege - we were sitting in Dr. Epstein's study - the one we had heard about who could perform spinal cord tumor surgeries, the one our Portland doctors had dismissed and ridiculed as only marginally successful, whose patients ended up paralysed. We could hardly believe it. We were saddened to hear through Dr. Kothbauer that Dr. Epstein had been in a terrible bicycle accident 2 weeks before 9-11-2001. His injuries had left him severely brain-damaged and he would never do surgery again.

Dr. Kothbauer was a younger man in his early 40's with a Swiss/Austrian accent. He just chuckled to himself over the fact that we had taken off for New York without warning. First, he examined Daniel. Then he proceeded to talk to us in detail about the surgery. He asked Daniel, "How do you feel about having a big surgery like this? You will be well taken care of by everyone who works here with me. We will do our very best to make sure you are kept comfortable. But the recovery will be hard and pretty painful, and you will have to WORK hard after the surgery is over to get your strength and coordination back. Daniel, can you be very brave?" Little 7-year-old Daniel said, "Yes, I am ready to have the surgery. I don't want to have the tumor anymore. I am brave." We agreed that indeed, he was.

An appointment was scheduled for Tuesday to have pre-op testing done, an MRI was was scheduled for Wednesday, and the surgery for Thursday. Dr. Kothbauer's assistant gave us the address to the nearest Ronald McDonald house, on the upper East side. It was relatively close, but too far to walk back and forth from each day, so we hailed another cab. The Ronald McDonald house was not beautiful, by any means, but there was one opening for us. They told us we could stay there as long as we needed. After checking in and getting settled there, we had nothing else to do, but explore New York City, and so that's what we did!

New York City - Part One

2010-08-22T14:42:00.000-07:00

We got to the airport, checked in, and headed to the gate for a Continental Airlines flight to Newark, NJ. Right in front of the gate, we bumped into our old friend John, one of the head pilots for Continental. He was there to visit briefly and pray with us. We discovered he was the one responsible for the 3 first class tickets. After a short visit with John and some prayer together, it was time to get on the plane. We had just sat down in our seats, when a stewardess tapped Wes and me on our shoulders. She said, "I'm sorry for the terrible inconvenience, but one of our pilots needs to take a jump seat in first class, and since the three of you are on stand-by, one of you will have to give up your seat, and take another flight." Wes tried to explain our situation to her, but all she would say to us was "I'm sorry, there is nothing I can do". Wes asked if we could all get off the plane and take the next flight, and she said, "No, there are not enough seats available today. So 2 of you will have to stay on this flight, and one of you will have to get off." Wes and I frantically discussed with one another what we should do, and hastily made the decision that Wes should get off and I should stay with Daniel. He left before I even had time to think.

As soon as he left, questions started flooding into my brain. I had no idea how to get from Newark, NJ to New York City. We had NO reservations of any kind, and nobody there knew we were coming. I figured I could get off the plane in Newark and try to find the nearest hotel. But I was getting more anxious by the minute. I certainly knew I wouldn't be able to find my way around New York City by myself. To make matters worse, Daniel's sickness and pain had been getting steadily worse over the last week, and he had been complaining of severe headaches.

Meanwhile, Wes left the plane and started walking around outside the gate. Several minutes went by, and then our friend, John, ran up to him. He had forgotten that there was something he wanted to give us, and so he had run back to the gate hoping to catch us before the plane departed. He saw Wes standing there, and said, "What in the world are you doing out here??" Wes explained the situation to him. John said, "Let me see what I can do." John walked right onto the plane. In my seat, I turned my head around and there he was. He walked up to the pilot who had taken Wes's seat and pulled out a badge to show him who he was. John said, "Do you think there is any way you would be willing to take a jump seat on the next flight? You see, the man who was sitting in your seat was on this plane by my authority, because his child needs a life-saving surgery in New York City." The pilot listened patiently to the story, and finally said, "Sure, by all means, I can take the next flight." And he got up and walked out! John gave me a hug and said good-bye and a few minutes later, Wes was back on the plane.

We were amazed at what had just happened. If John had not been there and come running back to give us the forgotten items, then Wes would not have made it on that plane. God was definitely at work. We landed in Newark about 5 hours later, and we were told to get on a train leaving the airport which would take us right into New York City. It was a fairly short ride. We were underground when we got off the train. We walked up a long flight of stairs, and through a door leading us to the outside. Our eyes had to adjust to the bright sunlight and right in front of us, stood the Empire State Building! We had brought a stroller for Daniel to sit in, and a few pieces of luggage. We stood there on the sidewalk, just trying to take it all in. Finally, we talked with one another about what to do next. We decided to call the hospital using Wes's cellphone. Since it was Sunday, all the medical offices were closed. Wes explained to the hospital operator our situation. She was extremely rude (the first of several rude people we would meet in NYC, unfortunately). But eventually she connected us with someone who was more helpful. They gave us a few names of hotels close to the hospital. We called information and got the number to one of them - the Franklin Hotel had a vacancy. We hailed a cab which took us to the hotel.

The hotel was very old, but nice and stylish (and quite expensive!). We were thankful to be close to the hospital. That night, we watched "The Wiggles" with Daniel. He loved it. But he was in a lot of pain, and he kept complaining that his head hurt. We had brought some over-the-counter pain reliever, but that's all we could give him until the next day. It was a very long night. The next morning, we got up early, and got ready to visit Beth Israel Hospital and Dr. Kothbauer for the first time. My nerves were stretched as tight as a drum.

Answers!

2010-08-21T12:25:00.000-07:00

One day, shortly after returning from our trip to California, I was doing my usual internet research and I stumbled onto a hospital website. The words "We specialize in the surgery/treatment of spinal cord tumors" jumped out a me! This was something new, something I'd never seen before! It was Beth Israel Hospital, Singer Division, in New York City. On the home page, there was a tab that said "Contact Us," and so I did. In my message, I included Daniel's history and diagnosis and said his tumor was an inoperable PNET (or medulloblastoma) in the spinal cord. I included my email address. I was prepared for nothing except another closed door, as this was the third prestigious hospital we had contacted for help and information. We had already sent Daniel's MRI's and other medical documents, including his pathology report, to both Cedar Sinai and Loma Linda University Hospitals. They had replied with a "No, We are sorry to inform you that we are unable to provide your son with surgical help or treatment."

To my amazement, I received a response from Beth Israel the same day, in the form of an email from Dr. Karl Kothbauer, neurosurgeon. He said he was very interested in helping us. He said, quite directly, that so far there had never been a spinal cord tumor he could not operate on! He also said something that jolted me, but did not really surprise me at this point in time - he doubted our son had the kind of tumor we were told he had. If he had, then not only would the tumor have grown much more rapidly, but it also would have caused great neurological damage, especially a tumor as large as his. Highly cancerous tumors invade the healthy tissue around them. In Daniel's case, this means that his tumor would have grown into his healthy nerves and caused great motor and nerve damage. He would not be able to walk and/or move his arms normally. You can imagine my consternation at his quick and very knowledgeable assessment. Why had we not been told that before by the neurosurgeons at Emanuel?

He requested we ship him Daniel's MRI films as soon as possible. These films were already in our possession, as the 2 hospitals I mentioned earlier had shipped them back to us. I immediately drove to a FedEx store about 45 minutes away from our home, and overnighted them. As soon as Dr. Kothbauer received the package, he looked at the MRI's and sent me another email. His email contained information that I could hardly take in - in fact, when I showed Wes the email, he could not believe it at first! Dr. Kothbauer said, "Daniel's tumor looks like a non-cancerous, slow growing kind of tumor. It is very cystic (has lots of cysts), a classic characteristic of most tumors found in the spinal cord. Close to 90% of spinal cord tumors are non-cancerous. However, Daniel's tumor is dangerously close to the brainstem. I have operated extensively on spinal cord tumors and am confident I could largely remove, or at the very least, de-bulk it. Can I give you a call and talk to you or your husband on the phone?"

We received this email on a Thursday. On Saturday morning, Dr. Kothbauer called our home phone and talked to Wes. He told Wes in no uncertain terms, "If you want your son to live, you need to bring him here. But first, let my staff contact your insurance company to make sure the surgery and stay is covered. I will call you back on Monday." We contacted our friend, Jeff, who had been running Daniel's website, and he immediately posted this information to the site. Our family had a very special wedding to attend that day, Dave and Rayma Barnhart's - in fact, Wes was "marrying" them. At about 6:00 p.m., during the reception, we got a call from Jeff. He said, "3 first class tickets have been donated to you. But here's the catch - the flight leaves at 6:00 tomorrow morning (Sunday)!" Wes and I discussed it briefly with one another at the reception, and then we said in unison, "OK! Let's go home and pack!"

We had just enough time to do laundry, arrange to have relatives keep Brooke and Elijah, and pack, before getting a few hours of sleep. Very early Sunday morning, we kissed and hugged Brooke and Elijah several times and dropped them off with Grandma and Grandpa in Newberg, and headed to the airport. Nothing is ever as easy as it sounds, right? A major "complication/opportunity for God to show His power" occurred even before the plane had taken off. To be continued....

Getting Somewhere

2010-08-18T15:36:00.000-07:00

The months spanning from January through April were filled with providing Daniel the best care we could possibly give. After the very intense first few months of his illness were over, I had more time to do research. Wes and I made a good team. Wes left the research up to me, while he spent each day working hard with Daniel, lifting weights with him, taking him outside for exercise, and giving him his supplements. I spent a great deal of time each day learning all I could on the internet about brain and spinal cord tumors. I had gleaned many pieces of information, but the pieces didn't seem to fit together in my mind. One of these pieces had to do with Daniel's tumor type. No matter how hard I tried, I could not find even one case on the internet or anywhere else of a person with Daniel's type of spinal cord tumor. Although medulloblastomas are a fairly common cancer in children, in every case this cancer presents in the brain - specifically the medulla (hence the term "medulloblastoma",or cancer in the medulla). We were still having scattered appointments here and there with Daniel's Emanuel doctors. We asked them this question, and they dismissed us. They said that of course, PNET's are found in the spinal cord, because the pathology said so. But I had yet to find one.

Also around this time, a few people had called or written to tell us about a surgeon in New York they had heard about, named Fred Epstein. We were told that he had invented an instrument enabling him to operate successfully on brainstem and spinal cord tumors. Again, we asked the Emanuel doctors about this. Dr. Olsen, the oncologist, said that Dr. Epstein had acheived moderate success, but most of his patients ended up severely brain damaged or paralyzed. It was as if our questions and concerns were falling on deaf ears, just because we had refused to heed their recommendations on how to treat Daniel.

Daniel had another MRI in March, and it again revealed growth, albeit small. The tumor spots in Daniel's brain had not grown at all since his diagnosis. We felt like the results, although disappointing, still begged the question - why has Daniel survived 6 months, when the professionals told us he'd be gone in 2 or 3? Why is the tumor growth so minimal? Could it be the alternative treatments are working? His doctors said absolutely not. Nothing will treat cancer but chemotherapy and radiation. We had no one to help us. We were left to proceed on our own and to continue doing our own research.

In late April, through the encouragement of several people who had knowledge of Doernbecher Hospital's expertise in the area of treating children's cancer, we made the decision to leave Emanuel. We called Doernbecher and they connected us with Dr. Stacey Nicholson, the oncologist there who specialized in brain tumors in children. He sounded extremely interested to take on Daniel's case, and wanted to see us right away. At our first appointment, Dr. Nicholson had invited Dr. Nathan Selden, a neurosurgeon, to be present. Daniel just sat there with us for a long time as Wes and I related his entire story from the beginning. They were fascinated. Then when we finished, they asked to take a look at Daniel. They performed many tests. The entire time, they were both shaking their heads, and continually saying, "This is remarkable". As they finished, they said the same thing, almost in unison. Your son has remarkable and amazing nerve and motor function for a child with a spinal cord tumor as large as his. First of all, he shouldn't be sitting here (meaning alive) after 6 months. Secondly, he should be at least partially paralyzed. Yet he walks around like a normal, healthy little boy!

Dr. Nicholson and Selden both recommended having another biopsy done. They wanted to wait, though, until after a 3rd MRI at the end of May. We agreed that a biopsy was a good idea. Daniel had his 3rd MRI, and this time, his tumor had grown quite a bit. We were very discouraged and shaken by this. However, the MRI revealed that the spots in the brain had actually shrunk in size! After the MRI, Dr. Nicholson still felt that a biopsy was necessary. So a biopsy was scheduled for the second week of June.

Right after the MRI, we left for California to attend my sister, Bethany's wedding, while fitting in a trip to Disneyland. We had a really wonderful time there. However, Daniel could not hold his head up anymore. His spinal cord was stretched so tight, that it pulled his head down! The pictures of him in my sister's wedding are so precious. He always has a sweet smile on his face, but in every one, his head is falling down and to the side. As a family, we continued in the "live every moment to the fullest" mode. We milked California and Disneyland for all it was worth! We came home exhausted, but happy and thankful for the wonderful family memories that were made there.

Back at home, my desire to do research was stronger than ever. I joined several internet cancer groups - groups for brain tumors, groups to learn about alternative cancer treatments, etc... It seemed I could never get to the end of all the information that was out there on the internet. It was overwhelming. But one day, by God's grace, I finally hit the jackpot - and that will be the subject of my next post.

God Is With Me

2010-08-06T16:49:00.000-07:00

Christmas and the New Year came and went. With each day Daniel looked and felt better. Wes, Karen and I were in steady contact with Dr. Singh. He gave us lots of advice, and we closely followed it. One of the things Dr. Singh suggested was to start Daniel on a weight lifting regimen to begin building up his stamina. Everyday we focused on making Daniel healthier and stronger - with foods, weights, exercise, and alternative treatments.

One night, I woke up suddenly - but instead of recalling a dream, there were words going through my mind, and flashing as if on a screen in front of me- "This sickness is not unto death." I instantly was given tremendous peace, and an understanding that God is always with me, speaking his Word to me, even while I sleep.

The next morning, I woke up, remembered the experience, and rushed downstairs to grab a Bible. I knew the words came from the story of Lazarus, and I wanted to read the whole story. In reading it through, this particular verse struck me: "Jesus said, 'This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it.' " God was telling me that He would be glorified through this trial. And although it seemed impossible, I felt God was telling me that Daniel would be OK....somehow.

Many times, I had to remind myself of that experience - my faith wavered and shook, but never crumbled. Daniel had an MRI in mid-January, 2002. MRI days have never been pleasant for me. But this MRI was excruciating. We all were hoping and praying for good news, and that's not what we got. Daniel's neurosurgeon came in to look at the scans with us, and she showed us where his tumor had continued to grow. The growth was small, much smaller than she had expected for a tumor like Daniel's. Nevertheless, there was growth. I remember looking at the scans, and listening to Dr. Wehby, and thinking, "This is not what I'm supposed to hear right now - because this sickness is not unto death!" But God wasn't finished doing His work. Dr Wehby tried to convince us to reconsider chemo/radiation. When she could see we hadn't changed our minds, she told us in no uncertain terms that Daniel would be gone soon. It was only a matter of time.

After the MRI, although discouraged that Daniel's tumor had grown, we were still very thankful for how well he was feeling, and we were more determined than ever to keep doing all we could to help Daniel get better.

India, Dr. Singh, and More Time in Hospital - Part Two

2010-08-05T17:01:00.000-07:00

That same evening, Wes's sister, Karen had been in contact with Dr. Singh. Dr. Singh and his partner had been testing another form of the artimisinin compound - this one could be taken orally. They were seeing positive results. Dr. Singh told Karen he had some artimisinin capsules at his disposal, and we were welcome to have them. Karen and her husband, Brian, decided to drive up to the University of Washington in Seattle to pick them up for us. They drove to Seattle and back as quickly as possible, and by the time they returned, it was almost midnight, and we were already at Emanuel. There was just enough time to hand Wes a bag full of capsules through the sliding door entrance, before the hospital closed. We gave Daniel one of the capsules right away. One of the things Dr. Singh told us before Daniel started the artimisinin was to look for a fever. A fever could be an indication that the artimisinin was working. In the middle of the night at Emanuel, a nurse came in to take Daniel's vital signs, and she commented to us that Daniel had developed a sudden fever. Wes and I looked at one another in surprise - maybe the artimisinin was starting to work!

Another interesting thing happened that night - Daniel had been on morphine since his surgery in October. We were in the process of weaning him off, but morphine can not be stopped cold turkey without pretty severe withdrawals. At McMinnville Hospital, the ER doctors had given Daniel Tylenol for pain, not morphine - and this information had been sent along to Emanuel. They followed suit and continued giving Daniel Tylenol throughout the night.

Early the next morning, Daniel woke up and he looked like a different little boy! He was bright-eyed and alert...and even a little hungry! And there were no longer any outward symptoms of hydrocephalus. Later that morning, a doctor came in to speak with us. First he examined Daniel, and then he proceeded to tell us that a few different radiologists and doctors had taken a look at Daniel's CT scans that morning. Their consensus was that the hydrocephalus was not severe enough at this point to warrant shunt-placement surgery. He told us Daniel looked well enough to go home!

We sat there in shock and didn't know what to think! But as the morning progressed, we could see Daniel was clearly feeling better. It wasn't until the discharge papers came through, that we noticed Daniel had been off of morphine for over 12 hours. We didn't have a clear understanding at that time, but later we realized how the morphine was shutting Daniel down. It had largely been to blame for his decrease in appetite and energy. Daniel never went back on the morphine. We fought through about a week of pretty severe withdrawals, hallucinations, etc... (Daniel's hallucinations primarily involved the building of imaginary Legos :)).But that was nothing compared to what we were fighting against before. We also continued giving him the artimisinin, and saw great improvement in his stamina and pain levels. Over time, his pain levels decreased dramatically.

Earlier that year, we had given Wes's parents tickets for the Oregon Symphony's Gospel Christmas, and we purchased two for us as well. It turned out that concert was scheduled for December 20th. Daniel was admitted to Emanuel on December 19th, and then released on December 20th. We suddenly realized we'd be free to go with Wes's parents after all! We brought Daniel to Karen and Brian's house, and went shopping for some nice clothes to wear. While out shopping, Karen called to inform us that Daniel had just eaten an entire tuna sandwich. This was remarkable! We were filled with joy and relief. The concert was icing on the cake.

We stayed that night at Karen and Brian's. The next day, we drove home, opened up the door to our house, and our front room was literally filled to the brim with Christmas presents for everyone in our family! We later learned that the local hospice chooses one family every year to bless with Christmas presents, and that year they picked us!

Although, Daniel still had an uphill battle with cancer, we felt so thankful that Christmas to be together as a family, and we enjoyed every minute of it. Daniel was able to enjoy it as well, in between hallucinations! The story was still just beginning, but we entered a time of reprieve and renewed hope that lasted for several months. Grappling with the terminal nature of Daniel's illness became easier to bear once his pain, appetite and energy issues had improved.

That Christmas, many gifts and cards came in the mail, often from people we'd never met. One such card contained a verse of encouragement that I was not familiar with - it has since become one of my favorites:

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and gall....Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." Lamentations 3:19-24.

India, Dr. Singh, and More Time in Hospital - Part One

2010-08-03T18:19:00.000-07:00

Our time at Disneyworld was spectacular, but back home in our world things were not going so well. We started seeing a rapid decline in Daniel's stamina and energy. Every day, it seemed he would eat less and less, and often he would throw up his food.

Wes was not working much at this time, but one day he dropped by his office at Water and Light. He walked past a newspaper laying on a table and an article caught his eye. Some research scientists at the University of Washington had discovered that a simple herb compound was being shown to slow the progression of breast cancer. The article went on to explain how an ingredient in wormwood, called artimisinin, can target and break down iron-hoarding cancer cells. Wes's sister is a registered nurse, and as soon as he could, Wes gave her a call. They both thought it would be a good idea to try and get in contact with the researchers. It took many tries, but eventually both Wes and his sister, Karen, were able to talk with one of the scientists - his name was Dr Singh, originally from India. He was very reluctant to help at first, since the treatment was experimental and the research ongoing. But eventually, he agreed to help, saying that he could not stop thinking about our poor little 6 year old boy who was dying and had no other options.

There was one major problem - artimisinin could not be obtained in the United States, only India. We didn't know how we were going to jump this huge hurdle. But Wes's friend, Jeff, had set up a website in order to keep friends and family informed of Daniel's condition. He posted an update about our discussions with Dr. Singh and the problem of obtaining the compound from India. Jeff's dad, John, is a retired pilot for Continental, with many connections in the airline industry. When he heard we needed this treatment and soon, he agreed to fly to India and get it for us! He flew there and back as quickly as possible, because we were desperate and running out of time. While in India, he stayed with some of Dr. Singh relatives. This act of love and sacrifice was hard for us to fathom. He said he actually had a good time doing it - and wanted no payment or reimbursement of any kind.

The artimisinin compound had to be injected into the veins. Wes's sister agreed to do it. I remember it was December 9th the day we drove up to Vancouver for the first injection. Daniel was very sick, and it was a difficult few days for everyone involved. Karen drove down to our house, also, to give him the shots. About 10 days passed, and we were not seeing any improvement.

On December 19th, Wes's sisters, Karen and Patty, drove down to visit. Patty had brought down a Vitamix along with some fruit, to see if we could get Daniel to drink some smoothies. But Daniel just wasn't hungry - his appetite had dwindled to almost nothing and he was throwing up a lot. We sat there visiting with one another - trying to find something positive to say. But we were all on the verge of tears. The situation seemed so inescapably bad. Later that night, Daniel couldn't stop throwing up and started complaining of bad headaches - two tell-tale symptoms of hydrocephalus. In the later evening, Wes and I decided it was time to take him into the ER. Wes took him, and I waited at home. Later that night, he called and said Daniel had been stabilized and was feeling a bit better, but the ER doctors thought he should be taken back to Emanuel hospital.

At Emanuel, he was admitted, and then given a CT scan. By this time, it was getting close to midnight. A doctor read the scans and eventually came in and spoke with us. He said, "Daniel has developed hydrocephalus - this is inevitable since the tumor is closing off the flow of cerebral spinal fluid back and forth between his brain and spinal cord. Fluid is building up in his brain. A shunt is required to drain the excess fluid. There are two options for you here - you could decide you would like to go ahead with shunt placement surgery, or you could just let him go and try to keep him as comfortable as possible. Either way, he will be gone soon."

Wes and I talked it over and decided to go ahead with the surgery. It was scheduled for the next morning. After the doctor left, Wes and I both lost our composure. It had been only 2 months (exactly) since Daniel's diagnosis, and we were not even close to being ready to let him go. Wes was so grieved, he could hardly walk. I remember he just crouched down on the floor and cried. Right at this moment, a lady walked in - an older African-American lady we had never met before, who had knowledge of our situation through a friend of my mother's. She had no idea what we had just heard from the doctor. She said, "I am here to pray for your son. You see, I believe that God wants me to tell you that your son has a great message to proclaim and a calling on his life - he is going to live." She proceeded to pray a wonderful prayer for him. We were enormously comforted by her prayer and her presence, but then she left, and we had to grapple once again with Daniel's grave situation. This sweet lady came and left and we have not seen her since that day.

Make A Wish

2010-08-02T14:53:00.000-07:00

After the decision was made to decline radiation/chemo, we started treating Daniel using as many natural foods and supplements as we could afford. Since Daniel was not yet able to swallow pills, we had to mix the crushed pills or emptied capsules into some jello, pudding, or applesauce. This didn't cover up the taste very well and still tasted pretty gross - so the whole process of getting these supplements down his throat took lots of time every day. We also started using the Rife machine that I had mentioned in an earlier post. Wes's dad had purchased another Rife machine (so we had two different kinds) - this one delivered the electric frequency via handles (they look like jump rope handles) instead of a flashing light. We used both of these machines every day. Daniel was still needing large doses of pain medication.

One day, a few weeks after our decision was made to decline treatment, Daniel woke up in the morning feeling very lethargic. He stayed in bed pretty much all day and slept - and the few times he did wake up, he was in a great deal of pain. Because the oncologist had warned us repeatedly that Daniel's time was short, the thought could not escape our minds that perhaps this was the end. It was a very dark day. Wes and I didn't know what to do. There was nothing we COULD do. Wes and I just sat there with Daniel off and on - we looked into each other's eyes and saw the same thing - tears constantly on the verge of spilling out, and fear of losing our son. We called our Pastor, and he came by and prayed with us. Pretty late that evening, Daniel awoke and said he felt like sitting up. He eventually got up and walked around. He said he felt much better. Wes and I breathed sighs of relief. This was the first of about 2 or 3 occasions where we thought death was imminent. Looking back, it could be that Daniel's body was so tired from fighting a surgery recovery and fighting the disease at the same time. Or it could be that the morphine had reached a saturation point. I really don't know - but we were so incredibly relieved and thankful to the Lord for giving us more time with him.

Right around the last week of November, we got a call from Make A Wish. A few Make A Wish representatives wanted to come out to our house and grant Daniel a wish! These representatives were so wonderful and nice - I "wish" I could remember their names. We talked with Daniel before their visit about the different kinds of wishes he could make. He wanted to take a trip. We had been to Disneyland several times, but never Disneyworld. So Daniel's wish was to go to Disneyworld. We told the representatives his story and his prognosis. We told him he was given only a short time to live. So the Make A Wish foundation sprang into action. In just a few days, they had arranged the entire trip for us and told us we could leave as soon as we were ready. The night before the flight, Make A Wish threw a party for Daniel - we decided to have the party at Wes's sister and brother-in-law's house, since they live close by the airport. A limo picked us up in front of our house and took us to Vancouver. All of Wes's family was there at the party, as well as a few neighbors of ours. Make A Wish had booked a room for us at the Embassy suites for later that evening.

The next day our whole family got on the plane heading to Florida.
Every one of us had on large Make A Wish buttons, so everywhere we went people gave us the royal treatment. On the plane, we were given whatever snacks or drinks we wanted. By this time, the steroids had completely changed Daniel's body. He no longer looked like the same person. He had gained so much weight that he actually weighed as much then, at age 6, as he weighs right now at 15. Before the trip we had started weaning him off the steroids but the effects were still very visible, and he still had a huge appetite. Fortunately, Make A Wish had given us so much money for food, that we literally could not use it all if we had tried.

Make A Wish booked us a room at the Polynesian - a very nice Hawaiian-themed hotel inside Disneyworld, complete with a man-made "beach" right outside and several amazing pools. We were able to stay at Disneyworld for one week - Thanksgiving week. We used a stroller for Daniel so that he didn't have to spend much time walking. Daniel's favorite thing was the pool, and he seemed to feel his best when he was in one. We ate at all the fanciest restaurants. Make A Wish had even given us money to spend on souvenirs.

While in Orlando, we visited "Give Kids the World" -a resort owned and operated by the MAW organization, for MAW families. There we met a family whose daughter also wished for a trip to Disneyworld. She had a heart transplant and was doing well. I remember feeling jealous of that family. Their child was expected to recover and live, and ours was expected to die. And it made me so upset. Later, I found out this is a very real phenomenon - it's called "tumor envy" - although in this case, the family didn't have a child with cancer, but a child with a heart condition. I had to learn to be thankful for the wellness and healing of other children, and happy for the families.

To say this trip was wonderful would be an understatement. We were able to step out of the "darkness" of our lives at home, and just have fun. And the amazing thing is how well Daniel felt the whole trip long! His pain and symptoms almost seemed to disappear. I know the prayers of the saints and a merciful God had everything to do with it. Ironically, on the last day, we were returning our rental car at the airport, and Daniel started feeling sick right then, and threw up. He went downhill very quickly from this point.

(I would like to say that Make A Wish is an INCREDIBLE organization, that goes above and beyond expectations, for each and every Make A Wish child.)

A Grandmother's Mission

2010-07-30T14:38:00.000-07:00

The following is written by my mother. I include it for the purpose of showing that during our lowest points, people were standing in the gap for us and for Daniel, in an incredible way:

"During these days of darkness, something amazing was happening, prayer. Wes’ long time friend set up a web page just for Daniel, telling his story, and keeping people updated on the latest issues, and it had a page where people could send prayers to Daniel. They were coming in from worldwide.

This was all happening just prior to Christmas, 2001, and I sent out, just with my limited Christmas card list, stars with Daniel’s picture on it. I asked that people hang the star on the Christmas tree as a reminder to pray for him. I also asked that, if they would like to, they make a star and write a prayer on it for Daniel, and send it to him.

Soon the stars started coming in. The people who initially received the request started telling their friends and families, and they in turn were spreading the word as well. Stars were arriving daily from all over the country, sometimes in large envelopes with dozens at a time. Some of the most precious prayers came from a class of children, simply praying, “God, please make Daniel get well.” Some of the prayers were mighty and prophetic, as the prayer warriors stepped up for action.

On one occasion, a friend of mine from high school, with whom I kept in contact but had not seen in 30 years or more, walked into a women’s ministry luncheon at her church in California, and said that there were stars all over the tables with Daniel’s picture. The ladies were asked to write a prayer for Daniel. She remembered the Christmas card, and realized, “Oh my, this is my friend’s grandson.”

Another friend from Colorado said that she had heard on their local Christian radio about a little boy named Daniel who needed prayer for healing.

At a point when Daniel was in the hospital, I strung all the stars on a string and brought them to hang all around Daniel’s bedroom. The stars stayed there for a few years and covered Daniel in prayer.

One friend of mine, Ann, worked at a local Portland hospital, managing the cleaning service for one of the floors. People from all over the world worked under her management. They were sending word back to their home churches in Russia, Africa, Mexico, South America, China, Viet Nam, the Philippians and more. The home churches were declaring healing for Daniel. One day, Ann was walking down the hallway and observed a group of workers gathered in the break room praying for Daniel. They all took up a collection and wrote cards to Daniel in their native languages and asked that Ann deliver them to Daniel’s parents.

The prayers continue to this day, as people are reminded of Daniel’s journey. There is a band of prayer warriors, who at a moment’s notice, lift Daniel to the throne of God, whether for a crisis or for praise and thanksgiving for all that God has done."

Life and Death Decisions

2010-07-30T09:41:00.001-07:00

These consultations left us feeling emotionally stressed beyond belief. But again, God was merciful. He sent people into our lives to give us words of comfort and wisdom - parents who had gone through similar trials. Wes has a good friend who works with him at McMinnville Water and Light, Bob Banke. About a year before Daniel's diagnosis, he and his wife, Carmen,had a precious son who died of bone cancer when he was 12. Scotty had passed away on Daniel's birthday. Scotty's life and tremendous faith in Jesus, had touched countless people.

Bob and Carmen came over to our house and shared with us. Carmen explained how they had tangibly felt God's presence with them, carrying them through it all. His mercy and grace had covered them during the most painful times. They told us to remember that first God, and then Wes and I, as Daniel's parents, were the ones in charge, not the doctors. When it comes to treating a child with cancer, it's tempting to release control to the doctors almost entirely, and to surrender to their wishes and medical knowledge. But cancer doctors do follow cookie-cutter protocols. Bob and Carmen related to us some instances in Scotty's journey where they had made the mistake of giving the doctors too much authority. Not to say, doctors don't help tremendously - they do, but they are not the ones ultimately in control of the outcome.

Wes and I began in earnest to process through the issues. We prayed. We looked into alternative treatments. We did research on the internet to learn more about PNETs, and whole brain and spine radiation. And like I had mentioned before, we started manipulating Daniel's diet and giving him supplements. The auto shop owners whose daughter had died of leukemia, also gave us advice that resonated perfectly with Bob and Carmen's advice.

After a few days of deep discussion and prayer, Wes and I both realized we were coming to a unity of mind and heart, on how to proceed. We both felt the conviction to decline radiation and chemo, which could not save Daniel anyway. We did desperately want to buy Daniel as much time as possible. But buying time at the expense of killing his brain, seemed like an unmerciful and selfish thing for us to do. And most likely, he would spend the rest of his short life sick and miserable from the treatments. We recalled Pastor Rons' dream he had shared with us. We decided to proceed by doing everything we could to help him within the realm of diet, nutrition, and natural healing. And we would leave the rest to God.

The oncologist's plan was to begin treatment as soon as possible. We met with Dr. Olsen about a week after the previous consultation with her. At first, Wes played both sides of the fence, even though in our own minds the decision was made. The longer the discussion went on, the more ammunition we were given in favor of declining treatment. Once we finally informed her of our decision, she strongly opposed it. She told us we were making the wrong choice, as treatment would most assuredly buy Daniel a few more valuable months, even possibly a year or so (although the odds were stacked against this). And the result of doing nothing, would be that Daniel would die in probably a couple months. If Daniel's tumor had not been inoperable, and his prognosis not so very grim, I'm sure she would have taken us to court for child neglect - and these court decisions usually go in favor of the doctors. We also discussed our decision wth the radiation oncologist, and he was much more understanding. There were a few more meetings with Daniel's oncologist, and she used these appointments to continue trying to convince us to change our mind, and to induce guilt. She explained to us in graphic detail what would happen very soon - hydrocephalus would set in, a great deal of pain would be involved, before he finally slipped into a coma and died.

We had made our decision, and we were on our own, meaning that Daniel's current doctors had largely been taken out of the picture. But somehow, despite being devoid of any earthly hope, we still had hope. I recall these verses from Romans 5: "And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." We held on to the hope that God is bigger than this terrible situation. We trusted in His ability to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all we could ask or imagine, whether that meant saving Daniel's life, or taking him to heaven and using his and our experience to bring people to Him.

(If you'd be interested in hearing an absolutely beautiful version of the song, "I Have a Maker", the song I would sing Daniel to sleep with every night, go to youtube and in the search box, type in Passion I Have a Maker. Wowwww!!)

2010-07-29T17:32:00.000-07:00

At the Spaghetti Factory Just Before Surgery

Enjoying a Shirley Temple Before the Storm

Waiting for Surgery and Celebrating Dad’s Birthday

Darkness

2010-07-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

Soon it came time to make the trek back up to Portland for more consultations- first with the surgeon , then the oncologist. This turned out to be one of the darkest times in our lives. Daniel's oncologist had a perpetually "optimistic" demeanor and seemed nice enough, although we eventually came to discover a different side to her. During Daniel's first appointment she discussed with us, in her bouncy way, the need to start chemo and radiation very soon. Our first question to her was, "How is this going to help him?" and her response was, "We don't know for sure, but it may buy time and keep him alive longer than if you just did nothing." She went on to explain how the chemo regimen would be mild, as well as the side-effects, but that chemo in itself is not sufficient to stop the tumor growth - that radiation is the main component of brain/spinal cord tumor treatments. She told us our next step would be to visit with a radiation oncologist.

At this point, we started soaking up all the information we could, and keeping all options open. The time came for our consultation with the radiation oncologist. The days preceding this were very tough for us all- we had been trying to wean Daniel off of morphine and on to milder forms of pain relief - but without much success. On our trip up to Portland for the consultation, Daniel was extremely uncomfortable. It seemed he was either crying out in pain, or asleep. The terrible pain was sapping him of energy. When we arrived in Portland, we immediately started looking for a store to buy more pain reliever. We had to carry Daniel - he couldn't walk. When we finally got him to the appointment, he just laid on Wes's lap and slept. Both of us were already on the verge of tears.

The radiation oncologist was named Dr. Wynn. He was kind, and mild-mannered. He gave us a great deal of information during the appointment, but what stuck out to us the most was the amount of radiation Daniel would need, and the side effects. He said Daniel's type of cancer spreads easily througout the central nervous system - in fact spots of tumor had already shown up in his brain. So Daniel would need large-dose radiation to the brain and entire spine. He went on to list the side-effects: "mild" mental retardation, emotional retardation, and the bones of his spine and his head would stop growing. We were not expecting this. It felt like a punch in the stomach - especially after reading and researching alternative treatments that had no side-effects, and would only make him stronger. So Wes had some serious questions to ask Dr. Wynn. He told me to take Daniel out of the room. Although not present for the following conversation, Wes later related to me the essence of it. Wes asked him, "What is the survival rate with this kind of treatment?" Dr. Wynn replied, "Well, there is no survival rate for inoperable PNET's in the spinal cord. The treatment would buy him some time. Maybe a year or so, maybe less." Extremely distressed by his response, he then asked, "Dr. Wynn, if this were your son, what would you do? Would you proceed with treatment?" I credit Dr. Wynn for his honesty - "Your son has a fairly short time left on this earth. And the treatments are pretty brutal. I honestly don't know what I would do."

On the way home, we had to choke back the tears. We felt a tremendous burden - immense decisions about Daniel's life, health and future were placed on our shoulders. No one else could make them for us. But we took comfort in this: God is the author of Daniel's life - all his days were ordained by Him before one of them came to be (Psalm 139). We would seek His face, and He would help us. And he would never lead us astray.

We decided to start spending as much time as possible together as a family. Wes, fortunately, had months of sick time built up, and he stopped going to work. Every night, we had a slumber party in Daniel's bedroom - all of us. We would talk, and we would read a book together. We read "Swiss Family Robinson" - a book that we knew the boys would enjoy. And we prayed together - and we sang. Every night, I sang Daniel to sleep - every night the same song - "I Have a Maker."

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in His hands

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees me when I fall
And He hears me when I call

That song isn't sung much anymore at church. But whenever it is sung, I always cry, and so does Daniel.

Home to Face the Music

2010-07-28T12:23:00.000-07:00

Daniel was released from the hospital on Oct. 31st - Halloween. While raising our kids, we had placed very little emphasis or importance on Halloween. Some years they would dress up in costumes and stay at home and pass out candy - other years, they wouldn't dress up at all. But we always made sure to visit a pumpkin patch every year, after which we'd carve the pumpkins and bake the seeds. We didn't make it to a pumpkin patch this year, but when we got home from the hospital, the kids DID dress up in costumes and went trick-or-treating for the first time. They were invited by the neighbors (the same neighbors who had come up in the middle of the night to visit us after Daniel's diagnosis) to go with them and their kids. Daniel dressed up as Darth Maul from Star Wars, complete with a red, double-ended light saber. He was quite pleased with how he looked in his new costume, and it was a special night for him.

This brings me to an important topic. When we got home, Wes and I started to discuss some very weighty issues together. One issue we discussed was this - what should we tell Daniel? Should he know the precariousness of his disease? After deep thought and prayer over this, we decided not to tell Daniel everything. We kept to ourselves the knowledge that Daniel was supposed to die. Our logic went this way - we felt the knowledge of a terminal illness was too heavy a burden for a 6 year old bear. We felt that as parents, we were given the responsibility to bear the emotional burden FOR him. As Jesus told us he would carry our burdens, so we would carry this burden for Daniel. So we shielded him from discussions involving the terminal nature of his illness, and we kept our focus on life, and living each day to the fullest.

Almost immediately after returning home, we started hearing from people who had first-hand experience or knowledge of alternative therapies that would be worth checking into. Most of these treatments involved supplements for strengthening the body's own immune defenses, enabling the body to fight off the growth of cancer. We were given several books about alternative cancer treatments and healing foods. I started immediately to read them. A couple we'd never met before heard of Daniel's diagnosis. They lived just a few blocks away from us - their own daughter had died of leukemia a few years before. The husband was an auto mechanic and owned a shop. Since the death of their daughter they had dedicated their lives to helping people with cancer, and the auto shop lobby was set up for cancer patients to come and receive healing treatments and advice. They told us about something called a Rife machine, named after Rife, a scientist who invented the technology behind it- essentially the machine looks like a long, cylindrical lamp connected by wires to a computer. The computer tells the light to flash at a specific frequency. The concept behind the machine is that everything, even cancer, has its own frequency and you can use that frequency to break down cancerous tumors. I know, it sounds very bizarre, and this is a very simplified, layman's explanation. They gave us an offer to come by the shop with Daniel anytime. Eventually some friends who had one of these lights, let us use it and keep it in our house.

All this information came at us so fast, it was hard to process at first. But it did serve to bolster our hope that maybe these alternative treatments could extend Daniel's life and treat his cancer. Perhaps God was leading these people to us. We also quickly learned that alternative treatments for cancer overwhelm the internet - many of them are bogus money-making schemes. But we felt like it was worth a try to check out the alternative options out there - after all, we had nowhere else to turn. At the very least, we could start giving Daniel foods and supplements that would strengthen his health and body.

It was nice to be home, but Daniel still had lots of pain and needed attention around the clock. There were several appointments on the books with Daniel's neurosurgeon and his oncologist, Dr. Janice Olsen. We had lots to think about and many important decisions to make (important is quite an understatement!). We felt more than anything at this point, that we needed divine wisdom to make the right decisions for Daniel. We started praying fervently that God would guide and direct our steps. Before our first appointment with the oncologist, we were visited at our home by our Pastor. He said he had something very important to tell us. Pastor Ron is the kind of guy who hardly ever gets emotional or allows himself to be pulled along by his feelings. Yet, what he told us was incredibly uncharacteristic of him - he said, "I had a vivid dream last night. And I felt like in the dream God was telling me to tell you not to do any chemo or radiation for Daniel." The words were direct and straight to the point. It was quite an amazing thing to hear from our very logical, doctrinally conservative and unemotional Pastor. We took his words and stored them away in our hearts and minds.

Still In the Hospital

2010-07-27T16:05:00.000-07:00

The day after Daniel's surgery, we were visited in ICU by Dr. Wehby. She had some very interesting news - the tumor diagnosis given the day before was wrong. During surgery, a slice of tumor was sent to OHSU hospital, and they sent a detailed report back to Emanuel. OHSU was calling it a primitive neuroectodermal tumor - medulloblastoma is another name for it. Because of this discrepancy, 2 more hospitals were being sent a tumor slice for their evaluation and opinion - Johns Hopkins and St. Jude. But for the time being, the diagnosis was changed from glioma to PNET (a short way of saying and writing the tumor name I mentioned above). We received the news with gladness, but Dr. Wehby informed us that PNET's are only slightly less aggressive. A PNET in the spinal cord is still inoperable, still ultimately fatal, but could possibly be responsive to chemo and radiation.

Daniel remained in ICU for 2 days altogether, and then moved to a regular room on the children's floor. The catheter was finally removed after it became clear to the doctors that he had lost no bladder function, but Daniel's post-surgical pain was difficult to manage. At this point, doctors and residents from many different specialities started coming by to speak to us and evaluate Daniel. These evaluations are extensive, the purpose being to check for any loss of nerve function, pressure and pain sensation, reflexes, motor coordination, etc... In spite of his pain, Daniel was put through the ringer by many doctors. To top it off, we were receiving visits now from cancer doctors - oncologists. They came to discuss the commencement of chemotherapy and radiation. The appointments would begin in earnest after Daniel had recovered from surgery. There was another important issue they discussed with us . On that Monday before his surgery, when Daniel was first admitted, he had been given dexamethasone, a very powerful steroid - the reason being to help with pain by reducing inflammation in the spinal cord, both before and after surgery. The doctor told us that very soon we would begin to notice the side effects of steroid use - severe weight gain, increased appetite, and irritability/aggressiveness. Sure enough, by the time Daniel was finally released, he had started to get very puffy around the face, chest and stomach, wanted to eat constantly and eat everything in sight, and became easily irritated.

As time went by his surgical pain improved a bit, but not much. He was given morphine after surgery. For reasons we still do not understand, Daniel's after-surgery recovery seemed almost non-existent. The pain was an ever-present reality for Daniel, and was only made manageable with powerful medication - morphine and its derivatives. The removal of the laminae during surgery was intended to keep the neck and back pain under control, but we saw very little evidence of this, at least in the first few months.

In our moments of privacy, Wes and I provided each other with as much comfort as we could. We read scripture together, prayed and tried to encourage one another. I grabbed ahold of 1 Peter, and read it over and over, as the theme woven through the entire book, is trials. I remember being strongly aware that the situation we were in, is where faith meets real life. I wanted my faith to be proven genuine, and to be demonstrated by my ability to believe and act upon God's Word. James 1:12 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." How can a person understand the over-arching purpose of a child suffering from cancer? I still have a hard time understanding it. But at the time, I did know for certain this was a test of faith like no other - that trials are allowed for a reason and a purpose - and I wanted in my own life spiritual maturity and completeness. I found it interesting that long before this trial, I had a strong desire to memorize James and Philippians, and actually accomplished that goal - these two books of the Bible speak often of suffering and trials. All the words from these two books had been hidden in my heart - they had taken root and blossomed, and I went back and recited them contnually in my mind. Wes had been teaching God's Word for 10 years prior to Daniel's diagnosis. He also had the Word hidden in his heart, and a deep understanding, which proved extremely profitable to him.

Brooke had a birthday while Daniel was still in the hospital. We tried our best to celebrate with her - taking her out to eat and to the mall for a little shopping spree. Brooke and Elijah were very easy and sweet during this time - they could sense the stress we were under, and tried their hardest to be compliant, and as understanding as children of 9 and 4 could be.

"D" Day

2010-07-26T14:14:00.000-07:00

In the days leading up to Daniel's Oct. 24th surgery, Dr. Wehby discussed her strategy at length with us. A team of surgeons -basically all the best and brightest neurosurgeons she could assemble from Legacy Emanuel - would be assisting her in the operating room. On Oct. 24th, we brought Daniel to the OR at about 7:30 am. We stayed with Daniel until after he'd been put to sleep, then we were told to wait in a waiting area. We walked into the waiting room, and already dozens and dozens of people were there. The hospital moved us all to a larger area. Eventually, we had a total of about 60 people waiting with us! And that didn't include anybody in my family, as my own mother, coincidentally, was scheduled for a hysterectomy that same day.

To be honest, I was in no mood to talk with people, and just wanted to sit by myself and think. But having all those people there helped to distract my mind from obsessing over Daniel. Several of those who had come brought food, so everyone had something to eat, but I couldn't eat anything. Periodically, a nurse from the operating room would come out and give us updates. These were essentially devoid of any real information. Every update consisted of words like these, "Everything is going fine. They just started cutting... or they opened up his spinal cord and are working on the tumor, etc..." - what we really wanted to know was not revealed to us at all. The surgery dragged on for a total of 7 hours. Towards the end, the OR nurse came out again, and she had tears in her eyes. She said that all the people here supporting us made her cry. But I just knew her tears had something to do with the goings on in that operating room.

Finally, we were called to follow the nurse into another conference area. It was very strange walking out of a room full of people, all waiting to hear the news. I tried to maintain composure but found it very difficult to keep from shaking. I was so nervous and just had a strong feeling the news wasn't going to be good. Dr. Wehby was there to talk with us. She started giving us a bunch of technical information about what the tumor looked like, etc. She even showed us a few pictures of it. Then she said, "The tumor is NOT an ependymoma, as I had hoped. The tumor is a glioma, grade 4, meaning it's highly aggressive. A tumor like that in the spinal cord is inoperable, and fatal. I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for him." We asked her how much time he had. She said about 3 or 4 months, maybe. Then I did something that really surprises me, when I look back on it. Instead of breaking down, which was what I was "supposed" to do, I started telling her about our eternal hope founded upon our relationship with Jesus Christ. I remember saying, "Dr. Wehby, we are all going to die, one way or another. This earth is not our home. We are on a journey and heaven is our true home. God is good all the time. If he wants to take Daniel home to be with Him, then we are at peace with that. I know we will see him again someday." She was a bit shaken - but she said, "I'm glad that you have peace and I certainly hope that you are right." I remember that Wes and I were fairly calm, upon hearing the news. Although the news was beyond devastating, God had given us a peace and a strength for such a time as this. Then she went on to explain how she had removed the laminae from Daniel's backbones (the laminae are the part of the backbones facing the back). The spinal cord was much larger than normal because of the tumor, and was pushing up against Daniel's backbone. This was the cause of Daniel's intense pain. So without the laminae the spinal cord had nothing to push up against. A flexible "patch" was put in place of where the laminae used to be.

Going back into the waiting area to face the room full of friends and family was so very difficult. We stood there and had to break the news that Daniel - grandchild, nephew, cousin, friend to the people in that room - was given only a few months to live. Wes's sister burst into tears. Most of the people just sat there dumbfounded. We could not stay and talk with anybody because they were bringing Daniel out of surgery and we had to be there with him. I heard that the people from the waiting room remained for quite a while and prayed together.

Daniel was brought immediately to intensive care. Wes and I sat there together with Daniel in that small room. staring at our precious little boy, unable to process through what we'd been told. He was in so much pain, and a catheter they'd put in during surgery was hurting him really bad. The nurse caring for Daniel was named Elliott. He was fully aware of Daniel's prognosis and expressed a great deal of compassion for us. He was in Daniel's room in ICU almost his entire shift, trying to help in any way he could. He tried so hard to make Daniel comfortable and pain free, although it was a very long night for us all. He became Daniel's friend over that day and night, and when Daniel was moved into a regular room, Elliott still came by to visit, and even brought him a gift.

The next few days were extraordinarily difficult for us emotionally. But it's amazing how hope can survive even the grimmest of circumstances. And somehow despite all the bad news, hope started slowly making its way to the surface of our minds and hearts.

Limbo

2010-07-25T18:16:00.000-07:00

If you've seen the movie, Inception, then you know that Limbo is when a person is trapped inside of a dream and they can't get out. This is what happened to the Thomas family on October 19, 2001. But it wasn't just a dream - it was more of a nightmare. In my last post, I left off with Wes and I trying to get some sleep in the hospital room with Daniel. As you can imagine, sleep did not come easy. Our neighbors, who we had broken the news to earlier that evening, drove up in the middle of the night to see us. They were not able to sleep, either. This marked the beginning of an incredible outpouring of support - by family, church family, friends, and even people we'd never met.

Daniel was released from the hospital the next day. A surgery was scheduled for Wednesday, October 24th (the day after Wes's birthday). Sometime that day we gave Daniel an explanation of his condition and told him he would be having a surgery. As you would expect of a 6 year old, he was fairly oblivious. But we told him these words which became almost a mantra of ours over the next several months: "Daniel, we are trusting in God to watch over and take care of you. He loves you even more than we do, and we love you so very much. We, and lots of people, are going to be praying, and Jesus will be there holding you and carrying you the whole time. You can fully trust your life to Him, because He is always in control." Daniel showed a great deal of trust at this point, and that trust never wavered, even once. God, by His grace, filled him with a peace that can not be humanly explained.

We spent that Saturday in Vancouver with Wes's family. We took pictures of Daniel with all his cousins. On Sunday, we went to church. The pastor made the announcement of Daniel's illness and upcoming surgery. Some people in the congregation already knew -but most did not, since the diagnosis came only 2 days before. Our pastor, Ron Smith, had a hard time getting the words out. I've seen him cry only a few times in 18 years of knowing him, and this was one of them. Our church family was obviously very shaken. My parents were at church with us. Of course, they already knew. From this point on, both Wes's family and my family became the rocks that we would lean on for strength, support, wisdom, advice and most of all, prayer. I think in SOME ways, Daniel's illness was harder on them than it was on us - being in a position where they had to just watch us go through it. But as they ALL believed in the power of prayer to touch and heal Daniel, prayer became their tireless mission.

On Monday, we called Daniel's neurosurgeon, because he was having such a difficult time with pain. She decided to admit Daniel into the hospital that day so he could be watched and monitored before the surgery. While in the hospital, Daniel (and Wes and I) received an incredible number of visitors. His room was a constant buzz of people coming and going. We were also visited by many different doctors. Doctors bring with them such an air of confidence and authority - but none of them seemed to be able to give us any kind of useful information. As I look back, I now realize that they were almost as in the dark as we were.

Wes spent his birthday in the hospital. Our 2 other children, who were staying with relatives, came often to visit. Wes and I spent our few quiet moments praying, talking through the difficult issues together, trying to make sense of what we'd already been told by the doctors, and devouring God's Word.

The Day My Heart Was Broken - Part Two

2010-07-23T16:55:00.000-07:00

Wes decided to check with a nurse on the floor to see if she had any idea what was going on. She said she'd check for us. She came in a few minutes later, all smiles, telling us that everything was going fine, they just weren't finished yet. One more hour went by. Then the same nurse came in and said, "Your son is just waking up and the MRI is finished. Please follow me." She was not all smiles anymore. I had no idea where we were going, but it soon become clear we were not following her to the MRI department but to a conference room. My heart immediately started to race. We stepped into the conference room and the spine specialist from Tualatin was sitting in the room. I said to Wes, "That's the doctor we saw in Tualatin. What's he doing here?" I instantly knew then and there, the answer to my question. Something was wrong. I felt dizzy and sick to my stomach.

The doctor was very grave. We sat down in some chairs facing him. He said very slowly and somberly, "I'm afraid the MRI found something, and it's not good....at all. Your son has a very large tumor in his spinal cord. We think he may have some tumor in his brain, as well." Wes and I just sat there, holding hands, completely frozen. It took a few seconds for the information to register. He continued, "This is outside my area of expertise. I deal specifically with the bones of the spine, but your son needs to see a neurosurgeon. A pediatric surgeon named Dr. Monica Wheby has been called, and she's on her way to the hospital right now to talk with you. I'm very sorry..." He was visibly upset.

We asked Dr. Keenan some questions, which he was reticent to answer. I recall Wes saying over and over, "I didn't sign up for this." It was a pretty short meeting. We got up and started walking back. It felt like I was walking in a fog, or a cloud. We entered the hospital room, and Daniel was there, lying in a bed. He was still groggy from the anesthesia, but awake. He looked so precious and beautiful and sweet lying there. I wanted to hold him. But I just sat next to his bed and combed my fingers through his hair and told him how much I loved him.

But I didn't break down. Courage and strength had risen up from somewhere deep inside, and I was able to stay fairly calm. The interview I had watched of Lisa Beamer kept running over and over in my mind. The neurosurgeon eventually arrived. She was a woman in her early 40's. She had come from home and was wearing street clothes. By the time the surgeon had come to speak with us, she'd already taken a look at the scans and had seen Daniel's chart. Essentially, this is the gist of her conversation with us: Spinal cord tumors are very rare - not many doctors can say they have a lot of experience operating on them. I believe this tumor could be an ependymoma. Ependymomas are relatively easy to remove - they come out almost in one piece, kind of like a noodle. We need to do a biopsy first. I will remove a piece of the tumor and a flash pathology will determine what kind of tumor it is. If the tumor is an ependymoma, then I will continue with the surgery and try to remove it." She seemed confident, even cocky, and cheerful. She didn't wish to talk about anything beyond the impending biopsy and surgery, so we had very little to go on in terms of how this disease is managed, the survival rates, whether chemo and/or radiation would be recommended, etc...By this time, it was very late, around midnight. Daniel was asleep. We were advised to get some sleep. The toughest, most incredible journey of our lives was just beginning.

The Day My Heart was Broken - Part One

2010-07-23T13:36:00.000-07:00

My husband and I have 3 children, but the one in the middle has a very special story - a story that has deeply affected and bled into the lives of everyone in our family, extended family, and our close friends. Through Daniel's young life, he has experienced some very "close calls." When he was 4, Daniel came extremely close to being hit by a fast-moving car. When he was about 5, he was playing in his room. There was a light fixture on the ceiling with no light bulb in it at the time because the bulb had just burned out. He was playing with a tent pole from a little play tent he and Elijah had gotten as a gift. He managed to stick the metal pole directly into the light fixture. I was downstairs, and heard a sound like an electrical surge. In absolute panic, I ran upstairs, and Daniel was crying from fright. There was a burned, smoking circle on the carpet from a bolt of electricity. The pole spanned EXACTLY the distance from the fixture to the ground. So the electricity flow bypassed little Daniel and went directly into the ground via the pole and not Daniel's body. It's as if, to my understanding, God had specifically protected Daniel, while at the same time, the enemy had specifically tried to destroy him.

When Daniel was 6, he started complaining of pain in the back of his neck. The pain and the complaining always came in the morning after he had woken up from sleep. Neither Wes nor I thought much of it at first. But day by day, the pain was getting worse and more frequent. After a few weeks, it started bothering him during the day and in the middle of the night. So, we took him to his pediatrician, fully thinking he had strained it somehow. His doctor ordered an x-ray, which did reveal a slight curvature in that part of the spine, but no apparent injury or anything unusual. Essentially, he told us that there was nothing wrong besides possibly a strain, and to keep giving him Ibuprofen - hopefully, the pain would resolve itself. But after a few days, the pain had only grown worse. So, we called his doctor back. The doctor didn't take us too seriously. But Wes and I were more concerned than ever, and Wes demanded, in tears of frustration, that we be given a referral to a specialist.

We got the referral to see a spine specialist in Tualatin - Dr. Timothy Keenan, on Friday, October 19th, 2001, . I brought Daniel to the appointment by myself. It was a beautiful, sunny fall day - driving up together, Daniel and I were enjoying the day, listening to music and feeling pretty carefree. The specialist examined Daniel and couldn't see anything out of the ordinary. But because Daniel was experiencing so much pain, he decided to order an MRI. He told me not to worry - the purpose of the MRI was just to rule out anything serious.

The doctor let me use the phone so I could call Wes and let him know what was going on. Wes said he'd meet me at the hospital after he got off work. At Emmanuel Hospital, the MRI staff told me Daniel would have to be anesthetized, but the MRI would take only about 45 minutes. Daniel was given a regular hospital room, so I was told to wait in there, and they'd call me after he'd woken up from the anesthesia.

Wes arrived quite awhile after I'd said goodbye to Daniel in the MRI department. When he walked in, I told him that I was a bit confused because I thought they had told me the MRI would take just a short while. And yet, Daniel had been gone for at least 2 hours. We sat there together and watched TV, since there was nothing else to do. During one of the shows, we saw an interview of Lisa Beamer, the wife of Todd Beamer. This was right after 9-11, and he was one of the passengers who took down the terrorists in the plane that eventually crashed in a Pennsylvania field. Lisa Beamer told her story of shock and grief upon hearing that her husband had died. Yet, I was so struck by her dignity. The interviewer asked her how she was handling everything. She said with confidence and poise, that her relationship with Jesus was sustaining her and bringing her comfort. She expressed how thankful she was that Todd had a saving relationship with Jesus, that he was in heaven, and how excited she was to meet him there one day. I bring this up, because, while listening to this interview, my mind, for the first time entertained the notion that something might be very wrong with Daniel. I hadn't even allowed myself to think that thought, until this point. But her testimony in the midst of these new, frightening thoughts, gave me tremendous courage. I remember vividly thinking to myself that if something did happen to Daniel, I had the same God Lisa Beamer had - the same God who brings comfort and peace and hope. As he sustained her, he would sustain me, no matter what we might have to face or endure.

The Wonders of Childhood

2010-07-22T08:38:00.000-07:00

Being a child is magical, really. But the childhood imagination has a tendency to veer toward the hilarious and absurd. Here are some of the magical, hilarious and absurd memories of my childhood.

-When I was very little, my dad found a ginormous bullfrog outside. First, he brought it inside and let it just hop around on the floor. Then, sensing my discomfort, he picked it back up and tried convincing me to hold it, eventually chasing me around the house with it until I locked myself in the bathroom. I've been absolutely terrified of frogs ever since.

-One of my earliest memories of being conscious of my appearance, was looking at myself in the mirror, and discovering how long my hair was. I stood there and swished my hair back and forth in front of the mirror. It made me feel beautiful. Ironically, just a few days later, my mom decided it was time to cut it all off.

-I wanted a doll in the worst way, that had a button you could push to make her hair grow long, and eventually got one for Christmas - her name was Violet. I'm pretty sure this was due to the fact that I fantasized all the time about my own hair being long again.

-There were many kids on our street. All of us were good friends and attended church regularly. One day (I was about 7 or 8) we were playing outside, and we "beheld" a cross and the face of Jesus in the clouds. We knew it was a vision from the Lord and spent the rest of the day praying and repenting. I even called my pastor to let him know there had been a visitation from God that day. (Some of these memories still make me cringe with embarrassment:) )

-I had an obsession with Valentines. I kept every Valentine I had ever received and put them in categories from favorites (being the ones that had the cutest pictures on them) to least favorites (the plainer ones). And I kept all the birthday cards I received, starting with my 4th birthday. I still remember what some of my favorites looked like.

-I got chicken pox in the 3rd grade. All the kids on our street visited me by standing mournfully outside my front window and staring at me for hours as I lay inside on the couch, as if I could die at any moment. As careful as we all were, soon my sister and friends starting "dropping" like flies, one after another. Every single one of us kids fell victim to the chicken pox, and eventually we all compared our blisters and scars, and argued over who had it the worst. My sister had gotten absolutely coated with chicken pox, from head to toe. So the award went to her. It was an odd award, but I wanted it just the same. :)

-A travesty occurred during my chicken pox isolation - my mom kept me occupied by playing records for me, and I ended up developing an obsession with Barry Manilow and wanted to marry him.

-Our pastor's daughter broke her arm, and her entire arm was put in a cast. For some strange reason, I wanted a cast too, like nothing else I'd ever wanted. I even fantasized about breaking my own arm somehow. Yes, I was a weird child.

-I also wanted braces/retainers in a bad way, and spent many hours of time fashioning "retainers" out of paper clips. It seemed I was the only kid on the block with straight teeth and I considered this to be a terrible misfortune.

-In 4th grade, I became convinced that if I just had enough money to buy a movie camera, I could make the best movie anyone had ever seen. I set about trying to raise money. I had it all planned out - the theme song of my movie was going to be, "Weekend in New England"....by Barry Manilow.

-In 4th grade, I experienced a severe bout of separation anxiety and fear that something bad would happen to my mom. I lived just down the street from where I went to school. I begged my mom to keep our VW bus parked on the street or in the driveway every day so I could see she was home. Every recess and lunch break, I ran outside to check and make sure my mom's car was visible to me. The few times I came out and her car was missing, I would panic, and usually had to visit the school secretary or nurse, until they convinced me that everything was fine, and it was time to go to class. Strangely enough, this horrible fear just disappeared, almost as quickly as it came on.

-In 5th grade, I had saved up enough money from selling some toys at a garage sale to buy a record player. I only had $24.oo, so I had to buy the cheapest record player K Mart sold. I brought it home, full of intense excitement, triumph and anticipation. It took me weeks to accept and then recover from the realization that the thing was an absolute piece of junk and didn't really work.

-One Christmas, I asked for a stereo system, and I just knew I would be getting one. What I got, essentially, was a clock radio.

-In Junior High, I finally gave in and got a boyfriend, because I was tired of being teased for never having had one. About 1 month into our "relationship" (you know, the kind of Junior High relationship where a boy and girl are technically going together, but in reality, they hardly ever see each other), rumor had it that he was planning to kiss me, so I promptly broke up with him.

These are just a few of my silly childhood memories. I laugh at them now and think of them with fondness. I'm so thankful that because I had loving parents and a God-centered home, I was able to experience childhood the way it was meant to be experienced, as opposed to a childhood laced with pain and uncertainty.

God is the giver of all good things. I'm so glad that because of His grace, I can look back on my childhood with fondness. I know also that it's because of His grace and presence in our home today, that I can help facilitate this kind of carefree, silly, magical childhood for my own children.

Blogger Pictures

2010-07-21T17:57:00.000-07:00

The Moppy-Haired Music Man

2010-07-21T09:17:00.000-07:00

Some big things happened in my life when I was 10. As mentioned in my last post, I performed in my own recital. I had spent 2 years preparing and practicing for it. In anticipation of this event, I felt nothing but nerves - after it was over, nothing but joy and relief and a sense of accomplishment. Also at the age of 10, my mom and dad took my sister, Tricia, and I to our first Jesus West Coast. This was a weekend long festival of Christian music and teaching. We camped there as a family for 3 days.

I'm sure there were many wonderful Christian artists and speakers that weekend. But they all faded in my memory in comparison to the moppy-haired man who played the piano and sang. His name was Keith Green - he was largely unknown at the time (hard to imagine, huh?), as his first album had just been released. As he stepped to the piano and prepared to play, I had no idea what was about to hit me. His "performance" was electric with passion. He burned up the piano with his playing, and his personality was almost manic with excitement about Jesus.

We went home from Jesus West Coast with a Keith Green album (supposedly for my parents) and a Music Machine album (remember that?) for my sister and me. Little did my parents know how much Keith Green's performance had affected me. I went home, and played the Keith Green album incessantly, and I'm afraid Music Machine saw very little light of day :)! Soon, my parents ordered me a Keith Green music book, and I learned every song in it.

As mentioned before, I learned to sing and play these songs for church. My dad, sister and I sang many of them together, while I accompanied at the piano. We eventually signed up for his newsletter in order to be informed every time a new album was released. We ordered them all, as well as all the music books. To say these albums were favorites of mine would be an understatement. My memory is a bit foggy, but I think we saw him in concert at least 2 more times. I remember he preached more than he sang and played, but I enjoyed seeing his passion, no matter what form it took. Through his newsletters, we followed his life as he moved from So. California to Texas, and as he and his wife had their first child, then another, then another. Coincidentally, his second child was born within a few months of my youngest sister, in 1980, and they have the same name, Bethany Grace.

I will never forget where I was on a summer day in 1982, when I found out that Keith Green had been killed in a plane crash. I was at home, and my mom was watching Good Morning America. They reported the crash in the news portion of the program. He, his 2 oldest children, and another entire family were killed. His pregnant wife and youngest child were not in the plane. I was shocked and distressed, to put it mildly. I immediately went over to my friend's house down the street and told her, and we both cried and listened to his albums and sang his songs together, while I played the piano. My good friend, Nancy, was almost as big a fan as I was.

His last album was recorded shortly before the crash, but had not been released. We already had an order in for it, even before he died. As soon as it arrived, I took it over to Nancy's house, and we listened to the whole thing together. The album was his first, and last, worship album. It still is my favorite of his.

Keith Green was not necessarily an idol of mine, like Cindy was. I just loved him. At the tender age of 10, his music spoke to my heart and urged me into a vibrant relationship with Jesus. I desperately wanted to have that same relationship with God and passion that Keith Green had. I can still remember how my soul seemed to swell with life whenever I listened to his music.

My husband grew up with Keith Green's music, as well. The REALLY neat thing is now our children have grown up with his music. For some reason, his music has never gone out of style! And all my kids love it almost as much as I did when I was their age! I thank the Lord Jesus for ministering His grace to me through Keith Green's music. God, you are so Good to me!

My Inspiration

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As a child, I remember almost all my friends gravitated toward idolizing someone, whether a famous singer, a beautiful movie or television star, or a sports legend. Many of my girlfriends and I faithfully watched Charlie's Angels. Then we would pretend we WERE Charlie's Angels, while fighting over who got to be Farrah Fawcett :).

I didn't really need a famous person to idolize, because I had Cindy. After my dad became a Christian, we started attending a really good church in Red Bluff, called First Church of God. I wanted so badly to learn how to play piano. I was still 6 years old at the time. There was a new, young married couple in the church, who had just moved down to Red Bluff from Portland, OR. Rod became the assistant pastor, and his wife, Cindy, who had a degree in music, took over the piano playing position at church, and wanted to start giving piano lessons on the side. This was my perfect opportunity - and I begged my parents to let me take lessons from her.

I was her first piano student. Cindy not only had an incredible gift at the piano, but she could sing even more beautifully than she played. I expressed to her an interest in singing and playing, the way she did on Sunday mornings. By the time I was in 4th grade, she had me singing and accompanying myself on the piano, regularly. I remember even playing and singing Keith Green songs starting at the age of 10.

Cindy could see my interest and aptitude, and always found new ways to challenge me. Also at the age of 10, I performed in my own recital - I played 14 songs, all from memory - Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, etc.. I remember being scared to death. I remember not wanting to do it at all, but she made me do it :), because she knew I could.

To add to all her musical talents, Cindy was the most beautiful lady I had ever seen. She was a Rose Festival princess. Even to this day, I've never known any one quite as beautiful. AND she had the personality and sweetness of an angel. I know she had faults, but I couldn't see them at that age. You can see why I idolized her! I visited her home for lessons every week (give or take a few weeks here and there, of course) for 9 years. I became like a daughter to her, and she became like a second mother to me. All I wanted in life was to be like Cindy.

As the years went by, I picked up so much from Cindy - many of her mannerisms, etc.. Her influence in my life is immeasurable. But as I grew older, I also began to realize that I was NOT Cindy, no matter how much I tried to be like her. I was not as beautiful as she, and there was nothing I could do about it. I had a much different personality - I was more introspective and introverted, and she was an extrovert who had no trouble socializing with anyone, friend or stranger. This humbled and vexed me greatly - I couldn't quite attain to what she was. And it helped to balance out my confidence, even pride in my musical accomplishments.

When I grew up, I was able to look back, and to see how God had blessed me with this relationship. First of all, he brought someone into my life who was able to nurture my interests and talents in music. He gave me the example of a wonderful Godly woman to admire and aspire to. But my relationship with Cindy also helped to develop in me a humility and realistic opinion of myself, as I looked at myself in contrast to her. And I had to learn to accept, that just as God gave me a gift for music, He also gave me a particular personality and temperment, and a unique physical appearance - different from Cindy or anyone else, and that was OK. I eventually learned just be content with who God made me to be, and yet so thankful for His grace in bringing a very special person into my life.

Lastly, I want to mention that the greatest gift Cindy ever gave me, was a knowledge that suffering produces beauty and character. I have mentioned a lot of her qualities, but the one I have saved for last is that Cindy lived through much suffering. Her father died of a heart attack when she was only 9 years old. Her mother died of cancer when she was 18 and a freshman at Warner Pacific College. And lastly, Cindy herself had a blood disease. During our visits at her house, she talked a lot about her parents and all she had gone through. She always had a good lesson to share about what she learned through it all. She was dignified and strong and very accomplished, and I had enough sense to figure out that a lot of that could be traced back to what she had endured in her young life. I even prayed often, that if it took suffering to produce a richness of character and strength and beauty like hers, then so be it.

A Boy and a Girl

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This is the story of how a boy met a girl and eventually got married - of course, the boy is my husband and the girl is me. But what you may not know is that my husband was really just a boy of 9, and I was a girl of only 6, the first time we laid eyes on each other. My family lived in a small town called Red Bluff, CA, and when I was 6 years old, there was a lot of turbulence going on inside my home. My mom and dad had separated. I remember one day, hearing a knock on the door. I opened the door and it was my dad. He spoke to my mom, sister and me for a short time and left. And that was when I realized something was very wrong - because dads don't knock on the doors of their own houses!

My mom had a good friend named Rena. She convinced my mom to take a little vacation in Oregon with her and her two kids. At this time, my dad had moved back home, but my parents' relationship continued to be unstable and their future was very uncertain. Rena had an older sister there - a Godly, wise woman, and Rena said she would be able to give my mom some desperately needed counsel and advice. So my mom, sister and I, along with Rena and her two children, drove to Roseburg, OR. I remember meeting a bunch of kids who lived there. They were really nice. One of the kids was a girl of about 13, and she walked all of us younger kids to a grocery store, where we each picked out our own bags full of penny candy! Then she told us, that in order to protect our candy stash, we should hide them inside the crawl space of the house, which we did. I'm not sure who we were protecting our candy FROM, since we all had our own bags of it, and they were all stashed in the same crawl space!

We stayed for a weekend, and went home. I really don't remember much besides what I already shared - after all, I was only 6. But a young boy of 9 remembered me. He developed his first crush that weekend, and never forgot about it. He remembered being really embarrassed because I could read and he couldn't. :) And he didn't know what to do with a girl like me except to tease. So he wrapped a thin metal wire around my ankle and the other end to a tree and told me to run, which I did, and promptly fell on my face!

My mom had visited with Rena's sister, and received the following counsel that she still remembers to this day: When you don't know what to do or where to go, the best thing to do is just STAY - stay where you are, stay on your knees, and pray. So that's what my mom did. A short time later, my dad met Jesus and gave his life to Him, and our lives took a completely different course because of this decision. My mom and dad's marriage was completely restored, and we all started attending church together. Eventually, my dad became involved in men's ministry, music ministry, and teaching Sunday School. And my mom became the church secretary.

Fast forward to my 18th year. I decided to attend a small Christian college, George Fox - really my reason for choosing this college was because...well, that happened to be where my boyfriend was going. My first weekend there, a guy saw me and became interested. He told his friends he was planning to meet me on the floor of my dorm during the next "Open Floor" (a few hours a week, guys could come onto the floor of the girls' dorm and visit, as long as all doors remained wide open :) ). So, during one of the first "open floors" of the school year, I saw this tall, dark-haired young man strolling the halls, visiting with some of the older girls he already knew. He just happened to stroll down towards my room :), and we bumped into each other. He introduced himself and we commenced some small talk. He asked me where I was from, and I told him "Red Bluff, California." He said, "Oh wow, I had some cousins and aunt and uncle who lived in Red Bluff....but they moved to Southern California about 10 or so years ago." I didn't think anything of it. I had a picture album sitting on my desk, with photos of my family and youth group friends in Red Bluff, as well, as some old childhood friends. I proudly showed him pictures of my younger sisters and brother. And I turned to a page with a picture of some old friends from out of town that had come back to Red Bluff my senior year of high school to visit us. He looked at that picture and his jaw dropped open. He said, "That's a picture of Terry and Cindy - MY cousins!"

You can imagine the surprise. His cousins were my childhood friends who used to live in Red Bluff, the ones we drove up to Oregon with when I was 6 - to HIS house! He said, "You're that girl who came to visit with my cousins. I never forgot you and often wondered what had become of you. You were the first girl I ever had a crush on." Thus, a friendship began. In fact, he quickly became my best friend in the world. Wes was convinced that our meeting as children was far from coincidence. He started pursuing me in earnest. It took him over 2 years to win my heart. He NEVER gave up, and never even had any other dating relationships during that time. And when I finally fell in love, believe me, I fell hard.

We married at the end of my Junior year. Wes's cousins, and my childhood friends, Terry and Cindy Brown, were in the wedding party. I love our story. During hard times, and we've had some REALLY hard times, just knowing and remembering how we met - and how he loved me ever since he first saw me as a little girl wearing these glasses that were bigger than my entire face - this knowledge and rememberance has sustained me in my love, devotion and commitment to him throughout our 20 year marriage.

Thank you God for your grace - in bringing me a wonderful husband who loves me so dearly. You are so Good to me!!

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This blog has one purpose - to tell the story of God's grace in the life of my family. I titled this blog Pieces of Grace, because each post will contain a piece of a story, and like a puzzle, the pieces eventually will come together to display a beautiful picture of God's amazing grace.